The Broken Cell Phone Auction Is Closed

Someone's paying buku bucks for the phone involved in the Rihanna selfie mishap. Last Friday, the pop star accidentally dropped L.A. Police Commission President Steve Soboroff’s iPhone at a Clippers game, and the screen shattered. The following Sunday, Soboroff asked Rihanna to sign the busted phone. She did. Soboroff put the phone up for auction on eBay. Thursday afternoon, the bidding closed. The sale price: $66,500. WOWZERS.

Half of the proceeds will go to the LAPD’s Cadet Program and the other half will go to the L.A. Police Memorial Foundation. So nice! Rihanna also donated a ton o' money, too. So nice!

Who bought the cracked iPhone? I DID.*

Yep. I woke up Wednesday morning and thought, I love Rihanna. I love giving back to the community. And! I have piles of money I don’t want. This is my destiny. So I logged into eBay and placed a few bids.

Let me back up: Before I could get to the bidding, I had to create an eBay account. Yes, this was my first time using eBay.

I created my new account and then started bidding. My first offer was one hundred dollars more than the existing bid. Someone outbid me within 30 seconds. Their bid was one thousand dollars more than my bid. People came to play, I thought.

I stood up. I did some lunges and jumping jacks. I cracked my knuckles (terrible, I know). I found the closest mirror and psyched myself up. “You’re a winner. A WINNER,” I yelled at my reflection. “DON’T BACK DOWN. NEVER SURRENDER. GIVE THIS YOUR ALL.”

I sat in my chair and dove back into the bidding war.

Let’s do this. I made my second bid. I started to get out of my chair.

I stopped myself. Wait. What if the bidding closes early for some reason?! (Like I said, I'm an eBay n00b. I didn't know what to expect.) I didn't leave the chair until the next day. I couldn't miss a moment of the action.

Okay, fine. I took bathroom breaks. I'd ask my roommates to watch the bidding while I hurried to the commode. Other than that, I never left. My roommates brought me coffee, food, and water. They are very supportive and understanding.

I have a Rihanna-only playlist on iTunes. I made it years ago and I add to it as Rihanna releases new songs. It's a living playlist. Anyway, I played that playlist on a loop for 24+ hours.

I think that Rihanna playlist helped me win the bidding war. I owe my roommates and that playlist everything.

The bidding closed Thursday at 12:59 PM PST. The hour before the bidding closed was the most intense hour of my life. I'd make a bid, and BOOM. Someone else would beat my new bid within seconds. I don't know how many bids I made during that last hour. My vision began to blur. My fingers cramped up. But I wouldn't let myself slow down.

And I won.

Due to my sleep-deprived state, I assumed my victory was a dream. That I'd wake up and find myself drooling on my laptop. That I'd slept through most of the bidding.

But it wasn't a dream. The phone would be mine, all for the cool price of $66,500.

Worth it, I thought.

Where will I display my new favorite possession? I'm looking into Smithsonian-grade cases. I think I'll keep it on my nightstand. It'll be the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before I fall asleep. What a great victory.

THE END.

*And by "I DID" I mean "I did not. I have no idea who bought the cell phone. The story I'm about to tell is completely fabricated. ENJOY!"