Once upon a time, before motherhood, life was confusing and time was all mine to waste. Days seemed to be filled with suggestions rather than obligations: parties, performance art, pills, and reading books. (Now, I just write them — my new book Drunk Mom was actually released in the U.S. this Friday!) But back then, it seemed like a good idea to leave the party at 6 a.m. and begin the new day 12 hours later by stuffing my face with bacon and eggs as I marveled at how mild my hangover was. The freedom was overwhelming; at times, there even seemed to be too much of it.
Luckily, there was a permanent solution to this confused and confusing existence: I had a baby.
There’s nothing like a baby to turn everything upside down and reorganize your life in such a fashion that you will not only no longer recognize your life — but also yourself. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, of course. Babies are wonderful, and the love you’ll know will be bigger than anything you’ve ever experienced in your life. But there’s no question about it being the wildest ride of your life. Wilder than the party that ended at 6 a.m.
Here are 17 (out of a million) ways in which your life will change if you also decide to become a mom.
Friday is no longer Friday
Friday is now Monday.
on weekends, you are now a baby-entertaining machine
You can’t just leave the house whenever you want to
Try having a craving for frozen yogurt at midnight now.
or have a fight with your partner where you can dramatically slam the door
Don't wake the baby!
If you do have plans to go out, friends canceling at the last minute will ellicit new levels of irritation
organizing outings is a coordinated military action
Negotiations with your partner, and/or finding and positioning babysitters, strategizing snack delivery times, and sleeping tactics. Planning must start days in advance. There are no longer last-minute gallery openings.
You will not see the other side of 8 a.m. for a long time
If you do, that means it’s Mother’s Day or your birthday.
You can hang onto your cool but let’s face it — from now on, you will always be a Cool Mom
Or, at best, a I can’t-believe-you’re-actually-a-mom Mom
You can go to an all-night concert...
but the next day you will be in the middle of a sandbox covered in apple juice
...With your face getting slapped, lovingly, by the dirtiest pair of baby hands
your iPhone will now be used mostly for My First ABC, puzzles, and Toca Boca
You'll understand one day.
You will at some point accidentally say to another adult “Sorry, I just need to go pee-pee”
You'll no longer be able to roll your eyes at mommy blogs
Because you'll now read them
Or, worse, you’ll start writing one
Hey, don't say I didn't warn you...