Kanye West & Kim Kardashian's Wedding is Approaching: Read Kanye's (Fake) Emails With the Planner

You guys: the time is drawing near. As each new day dawns, the countdown to The Greatest Wedding Of All Times And All Weddings inches ever closer to its apex. Because we are mere days away from the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West wedding celebration of the millennium. You know, Kardashian's third wedding, the details of which nobody can seem to stop talking about. Ever.

Naturally, considering the two star's tastes and penchant for complete and total creative control, we knew there had to be some dirt when it came to the behind-the-scenes wedding planning action. So we reached out to our good friend Clarence St. Clair — who just so happens to be their planner — to get a bit of scoop on what it's like to plan a wedding with Kanye West. And he provided us with a bevy of totally real and not-at-all faked emails* sure to prepare you for The Ultimate Wedding Experience Of All Of History.

* Yes, these emails were totally faked and not-at-all real. Clarence St. Clair isn't even a real person. That we know of (though we sorta wish he was).

Take a look for yourself:

From: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizDate: Friday, March 14, 2014 at 7:50 AMTo: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Wedding Details — Please Confirm

Hello Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian,

Please let me reiterate what a complete honor it is to be planning your wedding. Per your request, I have listed out the wedding non-negotiables. Please confirm at your earliest convenience. Your contract is also attached.

WEDDING NECESSITIES, NON-NEGOTIABLE:

Ambiance:- Expensive- Lavish- Dope as Hell- Exotic- Trill- The Greatest

Feel:- Luxury- Designer- Avant Garde- Turned Up (So Much)- Class

Color Scheme:- White on White- Gold Accents- Lace, Leather, Fur (All Real; All White)

Other:- Fighter Jets

All the Best,Clarence St. Clair

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From: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comDate: Tuesday, March 18, 2014 at 11:59 AMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Re: Wedding Details — Please Confirm

Yo Clarence all of this looks good. The avant garde class part is IMPORTANT. DO NOT LET YOUR MINIONS FORGET THAT!! This is affair is SERIOUS.

Kim and I was talking and we think the Palace of Versailles is the only choice. Or maybe the Coliseum in Rome. WHERE ELSE DO GAMECHANGERS GET MARRIED YOU KNOW? Kim wants a luxurious bridal suite. I’m thinkin’ the Hall of Mirrors would be DOPE.

It’s gonna be an extremely intimate affair of 200 people, so we can go gorillas on everything else.

Kanye

P.S. Where can we get baby peacocks? I think they’d make great party favors.

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From: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizDate: Thursday, March 20, 2014 at 10:04 AMTo: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Re: Re: Wedding Details — Please Confirm

Hello Mr. West,

My assistant is going through the necessary channels to inquire about the logistics of purchasing baby peacocks. I must advise you there may be a health and safety issue.

In order to ensure we maintain expectations, I should point out that booking either the Versailles or the Coliseum may present a challenge, as they are historical landmarks and protected UNESCO World Heritage sites.

Best,Clarence St. Clair

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From: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comDate: Thursday, March 20, 2014 at 10:05 AMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: PEACOCKS ARE SERIOUS

Clarence man, I’m paying you a lot of money to handle the logistics of this event!! You said anything was possible so make it HAPPEN!

THERE BETTER BE BABY PEACOCKS. What do I gotta do to get 200 baby peacocks at my wedding?! It can’t be that hard! Somebody call a zoo.

Kanye

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From: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comDate: Thursday, March 20, 2014 at 10:07 AMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: OH YEAH AND ANOTHER THING

I’ve got Karl Lagerfeld designing DOPE-ass doilies because we’re gonna bring back the doily as an accessory so make sure doilies feature prominently in the design. Yet another reason we need to get married in Versailles. WHERE ELSE IS A DOILY GONNA MAKE SENSE BUT AT VERSAILLES? Because of this new development we’re gonna pass on the Coliseum.

Kanye

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From: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comDate: Thursday, March 20, 2014 at 10:08 AMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Re: OH YEAH AND ANOTHER THING

How much would it cost to recreate Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium on a train? I want to have everyone fly into Paris and then take a magic train to the wedding.

Kanye

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From: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizDate: Monday, March 24, 2014 at 1:27 PMTo: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Re: Re: OH YEAH AND ANOTHER THING

Mr. West,

Thank you so much for taking the time to connect on the phone. With any luck our conversation has cleared a few things up regarding the feasibility of your plans thus far. I have taken the liberty of adding Mr. Lagerfeld’s doilies to the Maison Martin Margiela masquerade masks we spoke as well.

I will look into the magic train.

Best,Clarence St. Clair

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From: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comDate: Wednesday, April 3, 2014 at 4:01 AMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: FLORENCE IS NOW FOR LOVERS

Just decided: Paris is too obvious. We’re gonna get married in Florence. We want to take everyone on a journey.

Don’t try to book no grimy-ass hotel shit!!!! This needs to be some real shit: let’s get married in the Duomo and then head to Corsica for the reception type shit.

REMEMBER KIM AND I ARE PART OF THE ICONOCLAST. WE ARE THE ZEITGEIST. This is important.

Whatever happened to my peacocks?

Kanye

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From: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizDate: Wednesday, April 3, 2014 at 7:07 PMTo: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Re: FLORENCE IS NOW FOR LOVERS

Kanye,

Everything is booked and confirmed for Paris — can you call me please to discuss?

Best,Clarence St. Clair

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From: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comDate: Wednesday, April 3, 2014 at 11:43 AMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comSubject: Re: Re: FLORENCE IS NOW FOR LOVERS

BECAUSE WE DECIDED. Don’t they have trucks and planes in Europe? Here’s an idea: put everything in those and get it down to Florence IS IT THAT HARD, CLARENCE?

I already have a job selling millions of records and changing the face of music and also history. I don't need yours.

This wedding needs to be perfect for my girl!!!!

Kanye

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From: "Kim K" kim@kardashianempire.comDate: Monday, May 19, 2014 at 2:19 PMTo: "Clarence St. Clair" csc@flyestweddings.bizCc: "Kanye West" thegreatest@kanyewest.comSubject: Re: Re: Re: FLORENCE IS NOW FOR LOVERS

Guys Bruce just called and said 200 baby peacocks showed up at his house what do I say?

Sent from Kim’s iPhone <3 <3

Image: Thomas Motyka/Flickr