This Is About To Make Your Sex Life Waaay Easier

Dear readers, the technology that people around the world have spent the past several centuries dreaming of has finally arrived. No, I'm not talking about Google's self-driving car. Nor am I talking about the beer Keurig, or even the pants that can charge your cell phone. I'm here to tell you about Autoblow 2, the world's first realistic blow job machine. Created by Brian Sloan, a sex toy innovator, it simulates the feeling of a blow job without, well, the typical necessity: a partner.

If you're anything like I was when I first discovered that this was actually a thing, your mind is boggled with questions. Here are some more specifics to put your curiosity at rest: The Autoblow 2 works by plugging it into an outlet — yes, it's safe, and won't electrocute the bits and pieces. Then you insert one of three sleeves (to fit any dong size), pick a speed, and go to town. You can clean it with soapy water and then do the whole thing over again. And again. And again. Which is, no doubt, their goal. It's good for about 1000 hours of use, or, as Sloan says in the Autoblow 2's promo video, "until your dick falls off." You can watch the hilarious video below:

At least he isn't taking himself too seriously...?

In days of yore, Sloan was actually a lawyer. However, when he realized he could make more money checking out garage sales and selling the antiques he found, he switched careers. From there, he jumped into the latex-wear and fetish market, and the Autoblow 1 (a stroker toy) followed soon after. For the Autoblow 2, Sloan turned to Indiegogo to fund his dream product. He raised $280,247 of his $45,000 goal, or 623 percent. The campaign was so successful that Sloan is now making some NSFW films that feature his product.

Perhaps this is the new American dream: work hard in school, get a good summer job at a prestigious law firm, and then say, "Screw it, I'm going to go make bank in the sex toy industry."

When VICE asked Sloan why he created the toy, he said, "It can improve people's lives, you know?" OK, dude, slow down. It's not like you invented birth control or penicillin. But it's still a nifty idea, and I'm sure it'll make a ton of people very, erm, happy. Sloan says that couples can use it too — although I'm not sure why someone would use the Autoblow 2 when the real thing is available, but what do I know?

The Autoblow 2 is available here, along with extra sleeves and lube products. However, don't expect to get it hassle-free: the website has been crashing due to extreme traffic levels. Can't say I'm shocked.

If you're on the lookout for dildos instead of blowjob simulators, check out these 3D-printed toys.

Images: Autoblow 2, Facebook; Wordpress