The bloom is off the rose on another season of America's favorite summer judging activity, The Bachelorette! If you followed our live-recap — or, you know, watched the finale yourself — you know that Des got enough over her love of Brooks to accept Chris Siegfried's proposal. Sure, mafia-type enforcers hired by Mike Fleiss would have come after Des' kneecaps if she'd left all the suitors behind, but love is complicated like that. And she got a 3.5k Neil Lane engagement ring out of the deal, which I'm told is pretty sweet.
Thus ended our nine-week descent into madness with Des and her band of misfit suitors. But what about Drew, Brooks? How are Des and Chris doing out in the non-Antiguan world? Who will be the next Bachelor? What happens AFTER the final rose? ABC was kind enough to fill us in in an action-packed (sorry, filler-filled) post-finale reunion.
1. Juan Pablo, a handsome but boring man, will be your next Bachelor
He is "one of the most popular contestants we've ever featured" whose "accent alone is sexy," and women apparently make t-shirts emblazoned with his name so sure, let's do this thing. And did you know he cares deeply for his daughter, probably more than Ben ever did for his son? He Skypes and dances with her in the cutest life insurance commercial I've ever seen. My only question, and it's more of an open comment: They're going to give him language lessons before this next season starts, right? The guy said all of five words to Desiree this season, the most prominent of which was "si" when she asked if he'd accept her roses. Or maybe they've just said "whatever, the guy's a babe. Roll tape."
2. Drew is taking great strides to quiet the rumor mill
Drew is the Tobias Fünke of this Bachelorette season. And if his appearance on the After the Rose ceremony is any indication, Drew has paid very close attention to this comparison. He watched the video footage. Read the Internet comments. And then, just after psyching himself up in the mirror, made his way out on stage determined to silence those who would suggest he's maybe a very confused man. Outfit? Toned down. Conversational manner? Slower, with less bouncy head tosses. And he was definitely speaking at a deliberately lower register.
"Have you gotten over your broken heart?" Harrison asked. "Yes," said Drew, "on the best Fleet Week of my life!" (Sorry.)
3. Brooks got a haircut
4. Des and Chris are perfectly happy, thank you very much
First things first: Is she wearing a — YUP SHE'S WEARING A RING. A perfectly valid concern, considering how just hours before Chris Siegfried proposed, his fiancée was still visibly distraught over having lost the guy with the hair above. Harrison dug right in with questions you'd never ask your recently engaged friends. "Is he really the one?" Des equivocated, saying that while Chris wasn't "the man of her dreams" (see guy with the hair above) he was nevertheless the "greatest man she's ever known." Harrison kept harping on Chris' persistence, which is like clapping for someone willfully submerged in an ice bath. When Chris finally came out on stage, there was so little to discuss that producers actually ran the full proposal tape again. Which we'd seen 30 minutes ago.
"Des and Chris now live in Seattle. They are very happy." is what the card reads, over black, in the last shot of the upcoming biopic chronicling their nine-week romance.