The 21 Types of People You See At Any Cafe

It might be a stereotype, but it's also true: Writers flock to coffee houses. It's a logical breeding ground for creative thinkers and essayists alike. With its plush couches, free Wifi and bottomless refills, all writers need to bring to the table is a MacBook charger, inspiration, and plenty of money for that soy, half-caf cappuccino.

I should know: The fact that I work from home means that I spend several hours a day working from various coffee houses around the Los Angeles area. Sure, I have my favorite spots — the high stools at the West Hollywood joint, the corner wooden table at the place in Silverlake — but no matter where I end up for my daily grind (heh) the same familiar faces seem to follow me.

There are other writers, students, and a plethora of other coffee house frequenters that are, well ... fairly easy to spot and stereotype. It doesn't have to be a specialty cafe, either — those of you who frequent your local Starbucks, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, also know exactly the types I'm talking about.

Here, in my expert anthropological study, are the 19 types of people you'll meet at a coffee house. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Novelist

Her brow is constantly furrowed, and she only stops assaulting the keys of his MacBook Pro long enough to look meditatively into the distance.

The Screenplay writer

See: The Novelist, (only with less follow-thorough).

The Hip, Religious Intellect

The hip religious intellect can be seen wearing a worn denim shirt, toting an even more weathered Bible, and stroking his inch-long beard between journal entries.

The Student losing his mind

We've all been there. The sleep-deprived student relies on a multitude of refills to keep his head above water: That is, the sea of text books adorning his table.

The Guy on His Laptop Who Thinks He's in Private

There is a time and place for these types of videos, and the coffee house is not it.

The Oblivious Person With Headphones

"Hey can I sit here?" "HEY! Can I sit here?" "HEY, CAN I SIT HERE?!" Nothing.

The Fair Trade Snob

If it isn't organically grown and handpicked by orphans in Colombia, the coffee snob is outtie.

The Guy Who's Trying to Pick You Up

Why yes, I am drinking coffee. How did you guess?

The Veterans

They've been sitting in those same seats since before your mama's mama was born.

The Creeper

The creeper exists everywhere, but this particular creeper usually wears sunglasses indoors and lingers a wee bit too long at the barista counter.

The Homeless guy

He'll offer you unwanted sage advice on the way to the bathroom. On second thought, I'll just hold it.

The Aggravated Internet User

She thinks the world is plotting against her because her computer can't hold a WiFi connection.

People on a first Date

Because what's better to soothe first date nerves than a big ol' cup of caffeine?

Moms on a baby date

Totally cool, just make sure the stroller isn't taking up my spot.

The guy Whose Drink Order Holds Up the Line

Thanks, Starbucks, for having a mere 170,000 ways to customize your drink order.

The person with no phone etiquette

That's cool, NOT LIKE I'M TRYING TO WORK OR ANYTHING.

The Fashionista

It's just coffee, brah. No need to pull out all of the scarves.

The Hipster

This one's a throwaway if you live in a city like Los Angeles or Brooklyn — because really, how to differentiate — but the hipster coffee goer is quickly becoming the most cliched stereotype across America.

The coffee Instagrammer

Because we clearly need more artful photos of that flower/heart/foam blob in your latte on our feeds.

The Guy Who Claims an Entire 6-Person Table With All of His Junk

Just ... no.

Your Soulmate

Why aren't you the guy hitting on me? Oh right, because you're too busy reading this article on your laptop.

Images: Dogancan Ozturan/Unsplash; Tumblr; Giphy