'Fifty Shades' Without The Words Is Better

by Mallory Schlossberg

Chill your inner goddess for a moment, and listen up. Much like how Anastasia Steele is blindfolded in the photo above, I thought it would be quite the experience to watch the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer without one of my senses, so I decided to watch it on mute. I have read the book (unabashedly and in public, may I add), so I know what's going on here: this is some serious BDSM-lite-porn-fare for people who want to let loose with some erotica.

However, I threw all of that aside for the time being, and decided to try something sort of new. This is what I gauged from my visually stimulating sensory experience, sans hearing:

  • In the beginning, this is about a sad girl with bangs who wears cardigans. Movie trope: straight-laced, uptight.
  • This is about a man who has really nice windows. This is also an advertisement for an architecture company that specializes in expensive views.
  • With all of these nature shots, this looks like a perfume commercial. Fifty Scents of Grey? I KNOW, I'M A MARKETING WIZARD.
  • The woman waltzes toward him in the night in a long silky robe. This is most definitely an ad for engagement rings. A diamond is forever, but your virginity is not.
  • This is about a man with really intense eyebrows.
  • Are we in an Abercrombie ad? I'm talking about this moment:

Like, even his pockets are soooo Abercrombie & Fitch circa 2002.

  • This is some serious high production soft core porn. I haven't seen a couple dance around actually getting it on like this since Maks and Meryl's freestyle on Dancing with The Stars .
  • Ooohh I got it! He's shirtless, they've made out, SHE HAS LET HER HAIR DOWN. A metaphor!
  • This is about a woman who has let her hair down and thought, "screw cardigans. I want handcuffs!"
  • This is an advertisement for helicopters.
  • Oh, so this is a movie about helicopters, perfume ads, and Abercrombie & Fitch, with just a smattering of handcuffs and blindfolds? Okay, the story is about a dude with money and a girl with bangs who just, like, happen to engage in some kinky-lite stuff.

Bottom line: Without the sound, this movie looks like an advertisement for things that people with money have. In fact, it makes me want to watch this 1996 DeBeers commercial.

Steamy. It also makes me want to look at these Abercrombie models as they ride around on a merry-go-round:

I also watched it with sound (hel-lo "Crazy in Love" ending with an orgasm), so I know that this is not about sexy helicopters and Abercrombie and bangs. But it totally could be. Either way, I'm pretty sure all of the moms have melted by now, so I'm fairly confident I'll be in a spin class for one tonight.

Images: Universal Pictures UK/Youtube (2); Giphy