'Bachelor in Paradise' Gal Clare Crawley Is Looking To Wash Her Juan Pablo Memories Away

If you don't quite remember the drama surrounding Bachelor in Paradise contestant Clare Crawley or blocked the entire Juan Pablo Bachelor season from your memory for moral and brain capacity reasons, let me remind of you of Clare's story arc before she heads to Bachelor in Paradise to search for love one more time: Juan Pablo immediately thought she was smoking hot and therefore she was a frontrunner for his seemingly superficial heart; a few weeks in (after the producers told her to), Clare went in for what I'll call "The Courtney Robinson." She snuck over to Juany Pabs' beach side hotel room, told him she had never swam in a warm ocean (I kid you not — she is from California), and asked if he might help her accomplish this innocent little ocean goal…at 4 a.m. He agreed to take that night swim with her, which involved a lot of zoomed-in shots of straddling and phrases like:

“WE JUST WENT FOR IT. And I don’t regret it. Pure bliss in every way. (Suggestive eyebrow raise.)” - Clare

“Oh my gosh, Clare. She’s on fire…the waves were wild, but we got a little wild too.” - Juan Pablo

“You know when a baby giraffe is born and they have those wobbly legs…” – Clare

So, like, I'm not saying Clare and Juan Pablo had dirty ocean sex, but that's definitely what they were eluding to at the time. Of course, Juan Pablo was singing a different, more slut-shaming tune when he woke up the next day and realized his 15 other girlfriends might not have been so cool with that, but instead of being honest and saying that what he did was unfair, JP basically told Clare that she brought shame upon his 6-year-old daughter by luring him into the ocean. Then we got our first taste of, "Look at me... ees okay... look at me... ees okay, ees okay....LOOK AT ME" while Clare wept uncontrollably at the accusation. I wish she'd gotten around to saying it to that dummy's face, but her head was eventually in the right place, even if her heart kept her there for six more weeks: “There was no miscommunication; there was no misunderstanding … if he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it. I would have respected that.”

Oh, and all of this was just a precursor to Clare making it to the Final 2, and Juan Pablo taking her up in a helicopter so he could whisper to her (and the pilot) something to the affect of, "Gee, girl, I still don't really know you that well, but I sure did love boinking you." Only he didn't say "boink". And even though Clare was the woman who fell for that Venezuelan meat stick, she was also the woman (well, one of them) who put him in his place. When he rejected her on the Final Rose platform (oh, did I not mention that he dumped her?) Clare didn't fall to pieces like she did when he shamed her for wanting to mark "warm ocean swimming (and dirty stuff)" off her bucket list and she still trusted him.

No, she looked him square in his heartless eyes and gave him the speech she'd subconsciously been waiting to give him for weeks: "I saved this moment for the man of my dreams — and I thought that was you. Sharleen didn't have the feelings for you ... Andi did the same thing. What you just made me go through ... I would never want my children having a father like you." DAMN. Now, a little more jaded by love and reality TV, Clare is heading back to the Bachelor world to select from a larger pool of hunks on Bachelor in Paradise. Let's assess what she's been up to since her (lucky) Juan Pablo rejection to see how she'll fare on the new ABC show:

Social Media Ranking: Verified

Actual Twitter Description: Fruit juicer. Solar soul. Tressé tamer. Mama to my furbabies // Bachelor 18 // Bachelor in Paradise 1

Truthful Twitter Description: We all know what went down // Don't cross me

Just saying, Des' fiance Chris doesn't even have a blue check, and he won. Clare's Instagram is her stronger social media platform, however, where she flaunts her cool aunt status.

Bachelor-Verse Ranking: The In Crowd

Clare didn't exactly make a lot of friends on her season of The Bachelor, on account of her prickly personality and tendency to be obsessed with the guy that everybody else mostly agreed was just hot. So, it's good to see her striking out on her own, making other Bachelor-verse friends.

And I'm not making any wild accusation, but we all know Chris B. Harrison is going to end up with someone on this show, and these two certainly shared a traumatic experience together...

Real Life Ranking: Happy, Could be Happier

Clare is a (probably successful) hairdresser, and will likely always be happy to be a hairdresser. Her braids are Insta-heaven.

But if you think that girl isn't looking for a side gig hosting and 11 a.m. HGTV show about making over mailboxes or something, you're crazy.

What to Expect

Clare has a certain, uh, intensity about her. Don't expect her to take any affairs of the heart lightly. She makes a strong first impression, and is sure to score a catch, but she's also got a little crazy in her eyes that's hard to hide, so she might just be leaving paradise with a good tan and a hefty appearance fee check.

Images: ABC; Clare Crawley/Instagram (4)