Because it wasn't already great enough that the female comedy-folk duo Garfunkel and Oates are going on a 14-stop live tour come late August, IFC has released seven hilarious "Brutally Honest Video Cards" in honor of National Friendship Day (August 3). The two ladies that make up the laugh-out-loud two-person musical group, Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, are gearing up for the August 7 premiere of their new IFC show, aptly titled Garfunkel and Oates, and they want to make sure that everyone has a special way to let their friends know exactly how they feel about them.
Basically, whether you have someone in your life who is a total piece of shit, a friend who needs to tone down their pregnancy smugness, or someone who is searching for a loophole to their virginity, Garfunkel and Oates have the perfect messages for them. Think of the "V-Cards" as a truth bomb for your friend that you can send to them from behind the safety of your computer screen. They get the message and you don't have to deal with the awkwardness. Perfect.
We've gone ahead and compiled a complete list of the video cards, and, based on IFC's suggestions, when it is best to use each card. Beware: Garfunkel and Oates have yet to make apology "V-Cards" to send once you've dropped one of their truth bombs. Proceed with caution.
1. Share "Self Esteem" when...
..."your sleaziest friend won't stop hitting on you."
Best Lines: "My self-esteem's not low enough to date you/ So close, but not quite there/ Give me time to get a little more wasted."
2. Share "Pregnant Women are Smug" when...
..."the miracle of life is going to her head."
Best Lines: "I can't count all the ways how/ You speak in cliches now/ So do you want a boy or a girl?/ Oh, it doesn't matter as long as it's healthy/ Really? I don't feel like those two things are related at all."
3. Share "The Fade Away" when...
..."there's no emoji for 'I'm just not that into you.'"
Best Lines: "I'll draw this out forever like it's Vietnam/ Then one day I'll be gone like Bambi's mom."
4. Use "The Loophole" when...
..."you need a backdoor to preserving your virginity."
Best Lines: "Fuck me in the ass 'cuz I love jesus/ The Good Lord would want it that way/ Give me that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization/ It's just between you and me/ Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see."
5. Share "The College Try" when...
..."you're open to exploring your hetero-flexibility."
Best Lines: "God, I love this new side of me as a modern hetero-flexible/ So with the help of a lot of booze/ I find a girl and we make-out/ And it feel the same as kissing a guy/ So I don't know what all the fuss is about."
6. Share "Sex With Ducks" when...
..."your gay friends are making it official."
Best Lines: "Pat Robertson once said, it's long downward slide/ That will lead to legalizing sex with ducks, if two men can stand side by side/ And god I hope he's right, 'cuz if gay marriage becomes lawful/ I'm going to find myself a duck and legally do something awful."
7. Share "29/31" when...
..."your naive younger friends need a warning."
Best Lines: "In two short years, I'm going to be thirty-three/ Who the hell we want me then?/ My ovaries are shrinking/ I'm disgusting and everyone feels bad for me/ And I never get invited to dinner parties anymore."
Yeah, we'll definitely be tuning into Garfunkel and Oates on August 7 at 10 p.m. ET.