Beyonce's Father Is Teaching a Beyonce Boot Camp That Had Better Feature These 7 Subjects
If you're getting as tired of those rumors that Beyoncé and Jay Z are about to divorce at any second, then this should pick you right back up. There can be no doubt that Beyoncé is a queen, even more so now than she has ever been before. Time Magazine's Most Influential Person and the highest-paid black artist of all time only needs to, in her own words, "sneeze on the beat and the beat got sicker". No one can truly be Beyoncé, but that doesn't mean no one should try. Perhaps that's why Beyoncé's father is teaching an entertainment boot camp that could should be called "Zero to Beyoncé in 24 Hours" rather than "The Entertainment Industry: How Do I Get In?" After all, this is the man who made Beyoncé — figuratively and literally.
Mathew Knowles might be estranged from his superstar daughter, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have a wealth of information to pass on to the next generation of Beyoncé hopefuls. Sure, the last time he tried to do this — with the reality television show Breaking From Above — was a complete and total flop, but this boot camp is only a day long. In addition, he's opened up the entertainment net to include "current or aspiring entertainers, songwriters, musicians, composers, writers, producers, managers, sound or engineering technicians, publicists, attorneys, financial planners, fashion stylists, hair dressers, photographers, editors, accountants and a myriad of other entertainment-industry hopefuls are invited to attend."
Listen, there's only one thing that anyone signing up for a boot camp taught by Mathew Knowles is actually here to learn. That one thing is how can we mere mortals possibly ever become the next Beyoncé? How do we obtain the level of goddess-like perfection? How do we wake up flawless? Tell us, Mr. Knowles!
In fact, there are at least seven topics that Mathew Knowles had better explore in his boot camp if he really wants to train the next generation of Beyoncés.
1. Waking Up Like This 101
Can you tell the difference between a make-up free picture of Beyoncé and the alternative? No? That's because she wakes up flawless. In this handy introduction subject, you too can wake up looking like one of the most beautiful and influential women in the world.
2. An Intro to Bootyliciousness
Let's be real. Some of the things that Beyoncé can do with her booty seem physically impossible. How does she twerk her rump at a rate of shakes per second that would make Miley Cyrus jealous? How can you achieve that same level of booty power? This subject will teach you everything you need to know, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no.
3. Don't Throw Your Back Out: A Guide to Dancing
All I'm saying is, Beyoncé must be the ultimate limbo champion. How can you dip your body straight back without fear of cracking your spin or dropping on your skull? How can you master gravity and flexibility with such class and aplomb that you too make it look effortless? How do you Beyoncé?
4. How to Look Good With Any Hairstyle
Blonde, black, braids, curly, straight, it seems like no matter what Beyoncé chooses to do with her hair then she can pull it off in a way that makes us all jealous. Step into a world where you don't have to dread every haircut due to how long it'll take you to grow out a bad one. Step into a world where you are Beyoncé and thus flawless.
5. Privacy versus Press
Oh, sorry, did you want the inside scoop on Beyoncé's life? You're going to have to wait until she announces it herself or until the dawn of never. The hardest part of being a celebrity is keeping your private life private and your public life press-worthy and Beyoncé has got that balance down. This is the subject that will take up most of the day.
6. Scandal Management
How do you keep people from talking about you? Give them nothing to talk about. Only Beyoncé could force the world to move on from a scandal like Elevatorgate without any more details leaking out and do it with such class and such a strong Instagram game. That's why she's the queen.
7. From Nobody to Queen Bey
How long Beyoncé has been in the game and how long it took her to get to this point might surprise anyone who can't imagine life without Beyoncé anymore. How can you launch yourself on that similar trajectory? How can you fight and fight until you're a household name making magazine covers left and right? If you leave without learning that secret, you'd better get your money back.