What Would the Dowager Countess Think of Nicki?

On Monday, Nicki Minaj officially released, "Anaconda," the Sir Mix-a-Lot-sampling second single from her upcoming third studio album, The Pink Print — but all anyone can talk about is the song's cover. Yes, that cover, the one that depicts Minaj proudly showing off her, ahem, ass-ets (I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself). Though some people simply shrugged their shoulders and wrote the cover off as another one of Minaj's headline-grabbing publicity stunts, others just can't get over it. In fact, iTunes felt so strongly about the explicit nature of the photo, they slapped a "Parental Advisory" sticker over Minaj's crack (see below)!

From a business perspective, I actually think that the "Anaconda" cover turned out to be a pretty smart move. It's generated a lot of press for the mediocre song — press that it probably wouldn't have gotten on its own. And seriously, though, what's the big deal? It's just a butt. We all have them! Besides, we've known for a looong time now that Minaj is no angel (that's a Beyoncé reference). Anyone who's heard even the smallest sampling of her work could tell you that. It's 2014, people! Not freakin' 1918...

...but what if it WERE freakin' 1918? Do you know who would be more scandalized by Minaj's attention-seeking antics and shocking lyrics than anyone else in the whole entire world? The Dowager Countess of Grantham. Oh, you know the Dowager Countess. She's that quick-witted old bird from PBS' stuffy period drama Downton Abbey — the one who's rolling her eyes and clutching her pearls more times per episode than any other character in the history of stuffy PBS period dramas (and that's a lot of times).

What would happen if the Dowager Countess were sitting down to tea and scrumpets one afternoon, when all of a sudden, all of Minaj's most SHOCKING, most VILE lyrics began to play from her new-fangled Victrola?? On a scale of 1 to infinity, how ruffled would her feathers become? Let's find out.

"Shitted on 'em, man I just shitted on 'em/ Shitted on 'em, put your number twos in the air if you did it on 'em..."

"Did It On 'Em" (Pink Friday)

"If you wasn't so ugly, I'd put my dick in your face/ Dick in your faaace/ Put my dick in your faaaaace, yeeeaaah!"

"Come on a Cone" (Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded)

"I let him play with my pussy than lick it off of his fingers..."

"High School" (Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded — The Re-Up)

"OK, first things first, I'll eat your brains/ Then I'mma start rockin' gold teeth and fangs/ 'Cause that's what a motherfuckin' monster do..."

"Monster" (Kanye West — My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

"All this drank in my cup like dis/ All this ass on that flawless dick..."

"***Flawless (Remix)" (Beyoncé — Beyoncé)

"Hey you, jump in this ride/ It's real nice and slippery inside/ Wise guy come get this pie/ R-r-ride it, ride it in style..."

"Whip It" (Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded)

"And he sweatin' me just 'cause I got the tightest hole/ But I couldn't find that th-thing with a microscope..."

"Raining Men" (Rihanna — Loud)

"Throw a lot of money at her then yell, 'Fuck her! Fuck her!'/ Then yell, 'Fuck her!'/ Then I'mma go get my Louisville Slugger..."

"Bottoms Up" (Trey Songz — Passion, Pain & Pleasure)

"Kitten so good, it's drippin' on wood..."

"Bang Bang" (Ariana Grande — My Everything)

"Um, let me think, what could I do to kick it off?/ How 'bout I cum all on your dick and then lick it off?"

"Wanna Minaj?" (Sucka Free)

Yeah, her feathers got just about as ruffled as I was imagining. Perfect.

Images: iTunes; Giphy (10)