I should start this off by clarifying that we don't know for sure if Beyoncé's just-confirmed MTV VMAs performance later this month will act as a platform for her to announce that the countless rumors about her divorcing longtime husband Jay Z are true. After all, Bey has a history of revealing personal and huge information during big performances like this, and it would be the perfect opportunity to share the life-altering news with her fans. Sad, of course, as the breakdown of any marriage (no matter how troubled) is — but a good opportunity nonetheless.
If this is indeed Beyoncé's plan, however, I assume that Jay Z will be well aware of it, and will not exactly want to tune in to the VMAs when they air on August 24 to see her basically tell the world that she and Jay are splitting up. Who would? So, in an effort to give Jay some other options, here's a little list of 20 other things Jay Z can do instead of watching the VMAs. Jay, if you're reading this — I highly recommend number 3.
20 Things Jay Z Can Do on August 24 Instead of Watching the MTV VMAs
- There are probably some Friends reruns on TBS, because there are always Friends reruns on TBS. Catch up with Rachel, Ross, and the gang, Jay! Forget about your crumbling marriage for 20 minutes and laugh at Joey.
- Call your BFF Kanye West over with fish fillet sandwiches and a Blu-ray copy of Mean Girls . 'Ye always gets you, Jay.
- Prank call Kris Jenner and ask if her refrigerator is running. Kris always falls for that one!
- Start that puzzle of the French countryside that you've been putting off for weeks now. Be constructive, Jay!
- Try out that recipe for vegan muffins you found on the Internet. You didn't just buy all those blueberries for nothing!
- Marathon Gossip Girl on Netflix. Why can't Blair and Chuck just make it work?
- Start a new crafts project. Blue Ivy would love a lady bug made of paper plates!
- Go on Omegle and ask people what their favorite Jay Z song is. Then, try to convince them you're Kris Jenner!
- Start texting 'Ye lyrics of your songs completely in emoji form. It'll be a fun new challenge!
- Try to make it onto the A-list in Kim K: Hollywood. Why is dating so expensive in Kardashianland?!
- Call Kim and complain about why dating is so expensive in Kim K: Hollywood.
- Learn a new language. I know you've wanted to master Latin for a while, Jay!
- Try out a new hobby. Pole dancing classes are fun, and a good workout!
- Learn the "Single Ladies" dance. Sure, Bey's singing the song, but it'll be rewarding to master a new skill set.
- Try to figure out if the Jon Snow parent theory in Game of Thrones is real. George R. R. Martin can be so sneaky!
- Take up photography. It's the perfect art form to let your feelings out, while letting the images speak for themselves.
- Start writing a journal. I know it's hard for people to understand what you're going through, Jay, but a journal is a safe way to express yourself.
- Call up 'Ye and compare scores in Kim K: Hollywood.
- Spend the night watching funny videos of puppies on YouTube. Like this one, of a dog scared of his own farts. It's so silly!
- Cry. Sometimes, it's good to let out your emotions, Jay. Don't fight it.
And above all, Jay, remember: It's going to be OK. Even though you might be losing your marriage to the literal queen of Hollywood and pop music because you were allegedly trippin'. Also, if you did cheat on Beyoncé, Jay, maybe you shouldn't have cheated on Beyoncé. That one's on you.