I Just Ate Cake Out of The Trash: 21 Things You Can Only Tell Your True Best Friend
Nothing says true love like being able to tell someone everything . Not just the day-to-day mundane stuff like how you overslept again, but also the not-so-pretty stuff, like how the last time you pooped, it was shaped like the state of Florida. Because that's what best friends are for, right?
I know I can tell my closest friends things that I would have an extremely hard time telling even my doctor. But that's why I love them — they are the keepers of my secrets, my closest confidants and coconspirators.
During this International Women’s Friendship Month, it’s time to pay homage to the women in the world who will not only listen to our tales about our bowel movements, but also tell us when we’re being a total bitch, when we have a big scary green thing in our nose, and who will rip into our ex-boyfriend — to his face mind you — about how he’s a complete piece of dirt. Yeah, he had that coming. If that isn’t love, then what is?
Here are the 21 things that you definitely only tell your closest friends in the world.
I FELL ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX LAST NIGHT. AGAIN.
She'll then tell you she's fallen asleep during masturbation.
I've SERIOUSLY CONSIDERed TRIPPING my niece
Well, the lesson might do her some good. I love her, but she can be a real brat.
I JUST ATE CAKE OUT OF THE TRASH
The cake was only there because you had consumed half of it for breakfast and you were trying to save yourself from the other half of the deadly, heavenly goodness. No judgment from your best friend, obviously. Only laughter.
YOU’RE NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME AND IT SUCKS
You can't usually get away with being this needy. But you'll tell your best friend when you're feeling rejected, and vice versa.
DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH THIS MORNING? BECAUSE YIKES.
Dude, have a stick (or five) of gum, please!
...now, COULD YOU SMELL THIS for me?
From hair, to body odor, to your breath, only your besties get such an honor.
I HAVEN’T DONE MY LAUNDRY, SO I’M WEARING DIRTY UNDERWEAR INSIDE OUT
WE HAVE A FUNKY SPUNK SITUATION ON OUR HANDS AND YES, IT TASTES LIKE BLEACH AND ROTTEN ASPARAGUS
Ah, the things we learn in Sex and the City and realize are so true in the real life, too.
I’LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR IF YOU LET ME POP THAT WHITEHEAD UNDER YOUR NOSE
But she lets you do it for free, of course.
YOU’RE BEING selfish
You say it because you know it'll mean something coming from you.
I FOUND MY FIRST GRAY HAIR THIS MORNING AND COVERED IT WITH A SHARPIE
YOUR BRA IS DOING THE TOTAL DOUBLE-BOOB THING. HERE, TAKE MINE INSTEAD
I HAD A really weird SEX DREAM LAST NIGHT
If only you could have sex dreams about Han Solo instead, like everyone else.
I ALWAYS pretend THAT I’M busy WHEN I GET A TEXT FROM SARAH
Nothing like being honest about how you don't really feel like hanging out with your old mutual friend anymore.
i ACCIDENTALLY READ my BOSS’ EMAIL WHEN IT WAS OPEN AT HIS DEsk and now i'm traumatized
He’s been trolling Craiglist for a threesome.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS LITERALLY THE WORST
Someday she’ll realize it, too. In the meantime, it's your duty to remind her.
I’VE BEEN TO CHIPOTLE TWICE A DAY THIS WHOLE MONTH
I JUST LEARNED THIS MORNING that IT’S ‘FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES’
And not for “for all intensive purposes.”
I SET UP A FAKE FACEBOOK ACCOUNT TO SPY ON MY EX...
...wanna stalk it with me?
Obviously, she does.
YOU’RE totally THE CARRIE TO MY MIRANDA
Yup, pretty much.