9 Things Jessica Simpson’s Baby Is Probably Thinking In This Terrifying Photo
While Jessica Simpson’s instragram isn’t my fave celebrity instagram, I can generally count on her for entertaining photos of her consistently confused-looking husband, Eric Johnson, and her epically flawless, blond, pouty-faced babies. And there's nothing bad about any of that. I have to admit, I was all about J. Simpson’s Weight Watcher era, when she was unapologetically uploading pics of herself on her journey to slimdom; they were totally un-photoshopped and everyone on the Internet was like, "OMG WHAT HAPPENED?!" because humans are terrible. But I found it super refreshing. Like, thank you Jessica Simpson for being a real human being that doesn’t immediately go back to weighing 115 pounds after squeezing a mini person out of your vagina. You flaunt that natural post-baby bod, girl! (Since then, she’s deleted all those pictures and replaced them with her all-muscle thighs and toned upper arms, but whatever.)
But we, the Jessica Simpson "fans" of the world, want more from her Instagram than evidence that her family is still super blond, and that her body is still under cringeworthy scrutiny. We want to know that the wonderfully confused young lass of questionable intelligence is still inside that shiny, family woman exterior. Well, she delivered.
A few days ago, Simpson shared a photo of her baby daddy tossing her youngest babe very, very high up in the air. Granted, they were in a pool, but this obviously made the world decidedly uneasy nonetheless. Even though Jessica doesn’t seem to be too worried (her caption read: “I was on a plane to NYC today and I missed out on this!!! I’m in LOVE with the 2 of them. #boyswillbeboys), tossing babies is generally a bad plan, right? This couple is known for throwing their children up in the air — Jessica posted a sketch photo of her hubby flinging Maxwell up into the sky this last January. It's their thing. Whatever, ya crazy kids.
Check out Baby Ace, who has a good seven feet of air beneath him:
Weirdly enough, he’s smiling like a maniac. So, I guess he's a daredevil baby? If I were Ace, here are some thoughts that would be whirling around in my baby brain:
1. "Wow dad, I can totally see your subtle bald patch from this vicinity. You better do something about that, LOL."
2. "Yo, person taking this pic, if you use a filter, can it please be Amaro. It’s my favorite. Kthanks."
3. "Or better yet, #nofilter. I’m a perfect baby. I don’t need a filter."
4. "I’M ACTUALLY TERRIFIED BUT IF I CRY EVERYONE WILL THINK I’M A PUSSY."
5. "Why is the pool blue, tho."
6. "Wow, parents. We have a sick view. Nice work." *Realizes his family is super rich for the first time*
7. "Dad! Stop it! I’m not a football! Get a job already!"
8. "If you’re a bird, I’m a bird."
9. "Most Epic Mid-Air Karate Kick Award Goes To: me, obviously."
Images: Getty; Jessica Simpson/Instagram