Celebrities at the Clooney Wedding Wiggled onto Water Taxis in Fancy Dresses

My version of acceptable wedding attire is basically a cocktail dress that fits and doesn't have any visible grease stains on it. So naturally, looking at what celebrities wore to the Clooney wedding is bound to make me feel like a member of the unwashed masses. If I could liken the display to anything, it was like the MET ball aboard a fleet of water taxis.

In case you haven't heard, Amal Alamuddin and George Clooney got married in Venice yesterday. Naturally, it was one big high-profile fashion and beauty spectacle. Emily Blunt apparently chopped off her hair overnight. Anna Wintour's legendary bob was assaulted by the sea breeze, and Cindy Crawford's mane was unfettered by the elements. Many of the famous ladies in attendance wore mermaid-style gowns, despite the unpleasant task of hobbling onto speedboats. Each mount and dismount demanded the help of multiple spotters. Regrettably, no audio is available of any of these sophisticated party goers lamenting the agony of thigh-chafe.

Enough foreplay, guys. On to the specifics. Let's get a load of what fancy guests like Emily Blunt, Anna Wintour, and Cindy Crawford wore to the Alamuddin-Clooney wedding. Hopefully, we can get some damn wedding dress photos some time in the near future...

Emily Blunt

Blunt wore an aquamarine gown and sported a slicked back pageboy haircut. Just one evening prior at the rehearsal dinner, she curiously had more hair.

Anna Wintour

If Wintour ditches Paris fashion week for your nuptials, your wedding is officially a big deal. The editrix emeritus wore a black gown appliquéd with a million tiny indistinct shapes. If you just glance at the look quickly, you can mistake her cummerbund for a bare, bellybutton-free midriff. Hey, at least she brought one of those dyed fur boleros to keep warm. However, she perhaps could have used a head kerchief when the wind picked up.

Yee-haw!

Cindy Crawford

Cindy Crawford is clearly used to maintaining her composure at the bow of a boat. She wore an aubergine Graecian-style gown, and strangely, not a hair was out of place. Clearly, she's been blessed with a mane of immovable alien locks.