All the Creative Ways a Kid Can Insult You

I’m not a parent and I don’t have plans to become one anytime soon — but at least thanks to this video, if and when the time comes, I’m now prepared for all the ways a kid can insult you. One of the most hilarious and frustrating things about young children is that they have no filter — and, as writer and director Johanna Stein found as she made her video "Momhead," kids without filters have a plethora of creative slights tucked away up their tiny little sleeves which they can drop whenever or wherever they feel like it. Ah, the joys of parenting!

Stein strapped a face came to her head to document each and every little thing her four-year-old daughter said to her over the course of the morning. Yes, the video is a trailer for Stein’s new book — but you know what? In the words of Pokemon, it’s super effective. I would totally read a book about this parent-child duo — especially since it’s titled How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane (And Other Lessons in Parenting from a Highly Questionable Source). If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my friends with kids, it’s that you have to maintain a sense of humor through all the ups and downs of parenting or you’ll go absolutely batty. This seems to fit the bill nicely, doesn’t it?

Parents must remain vigilant, as kids and their relentless onslaught of honesty can strike at any time. Here's a selection of the times you can expect it in the morning:

1. Right after you wake up

“Are you going to make yourself pretty today, or are you going to look like you always do?”

2. While you’re on the toilet

“You have a lot of hairs on your face. Is that a mustache, or a beard?”

3. While you’re trying desperately to caffeinate yourself

“Your breath smells like a fart.”

4. When you step on an errant toy

“Can I have your iPad when you die?”

5. While you’re putting on your glasses

“Which one is the oldest: Grandma, Grandpa, or you?”

6. And when you're getting in the car to go to daycare

“Did you take a shower today? Because I don’t think it worked.”

And so on. I predict that child has a long and illustrious career as a comedian waiting for her in the future.

Some of the comments on YouTube take the “Why isn’t she correcting the child? Back in my day, we would never have let children get away with saying those kinds of things” route — but bear in mind that we’re seeing an edited version of events. After all, the video is less than a minute and a half long; I’m about 99 percent sure that the teaching moments following each comment ended up on the cutting room floor, along with most of the rest of the morning. It’s still hilarious, though, so check out the whole thing below. What’s the most creative insult your child has ever hurled at you?

Images: PhotograTree/Flickr; Johanna Stein/YouTube (6)