People are just naturally annoying. I’m not saying we are all individually annoying (although I’m sure that’s the case sometimes), but as a collective whole, I feel like we’re pretty annoying to each other. I'm pretty sure we were just not meant to live in such close proximity to others, because if we were, there would probably be a lot less fighting and bitching and general anger. If we were all meant to be smooshed together, I venture to guess that we would probably be a lot happier about it. Take the freeways and streets of LA and New York: There are so many people driving on a relatively short strip of earth, we’re almost begging for car accidents and drivers flipping one another off and all of those hateful interactions. When we’re frustrated, we can become hateful.
And then there is just the matter of being impatient with yourself. I know that I lose my cool way too easily. I have a low tolerance for bullshit. If I see something stupid that is affecting my world in any way, I will quietly judge, seethe, or talk mad shit under my breath. I’m probably a terrible person. But I take comfort in knowing that it's not just me; everyone gets judge-y from time to time. It’s hard not to when there are so many subtle, minute things that are bound to drive us crazy, for example:
1. Really slow people in grocery store aisles
I’m not counting the elderly, because obviously I am not a monster. I’m talking about people who stand in the middle of really busy aisles, looking at boxes or bags or whatever for like ten minutes and not even paying attention to the fact that other patrons may want to buy cereal, too. We must share the grocery store.
2. Cars that don’t turn off their blinkers
An ongoing blinker is like a treacherous magnet for my eyeballs. I cannot look away from the constant spurts of light your car is giving off for no particular reason. You have changed lanes, driver. Now kindly turn off your blinker before I drive into your vehicle with my vehicle.
3. When you post a funny tweet and like three people unfollow you
I mean, maybe it wasn’t funny to YOU, but it was funny to me, and seriously? You’re going to unfollow me because I made a joke about Ben Affleck’s penis in Gone Girl? Who are you even? (This actually happened. I tweeted about Ben Affleck’s supposed dick shot in Gone Girl and like four people bailed on my twitter. So long, quitters. Who needs you.)
4. When the lady in front of you at the store is returning and exchanging things
This isn’t bad at, like, Target because there is an actual line for returning and exchanging. At the grocery store though? You are doomed if the person in front of you has decided they don’t actually want their Dannon yogurt and Milano cookies. Also, if you return food to the grocery store, they just throw it out. So now you’re just a wasteful POS.
5. Gratuitous gym selfies
Did I really have to almost see your vagina as I scrolled through my Instagram? Probably not. Must I know every single day (sometimes even twice if you’re on a fierce roll) how many miles you ran? Nah. I get it. You like to wear your yoga pants very low. You exercise. You’re probably more fit than I am. COOL.
6. When your food blows up a little bit in the microwave
And you instantly hate yourself for not covering your leftover chili with a paper towel.
7. Humblebrags that wear out their welcome
I humblebrag too, sometimes. It feels strangely satisfying and not nearly as obnoxious as straight-forward bragging. But we all know that it is, in fact, just as obnoxious. I think posting “looking ratchet as hell, but some dude at the gym still checked me out, lol” once in awhile is okay. I mean, hey, it’s healthy to love yourself and normal to want others to know that. But if you want this kind of adoration and attention every day, just know that we hate you a little bit. And no, you horrible person, it is not because we’re #jealous.
A man? Explaining me things I already know? Because he thinks as a woman I don’t know things? What could be more fun?
9. Going to get something but then forgetting what you needed
Great. I probably have early onset Alzheimer’s.
10. When the Internet is slow or broken
Unacceptable. How else am I going to know what’s going on in the world? How else will I be able to stalk my frenemies and compare our lives side-by-side?
11. Calling the cable company to fix said broken Internet
Because I love listening to a beat-up version of Mozart as a recording interrupts and says, “Please wait, all representatives are busy with customers” over and over and over and over again. Are you trying to rub it in, robot? Can’t you see I’m already in an immense amount of psychological pain and distress?
12. Really slow drivers
These drivers are clearly either very scared of operating a vehicle, or are on the phone. Either way, it’s no excuse for going 30mph on the freeway.
13. People your age who call you “sweetie”
Oh. My. God. You have to just not. It’s so clearly condescending, this message that is purposely used to “put you in your place” or whatever. Please don't call me "sweetie." Don't make me hate you.
14. People who complain about being poor but somehow afford Burning Man and expensive tattoos
You can’t just get out of splitting the bill for pizza by claiming you are “so poor” and then post pictures of you at music festivals, or whatever festival Burning Man thinks it is. You are not poor. You mismanage money and you are selfish. Let’s be real.
15. Saying that you’re “practically BFFs” with a celebrity you saw at Coffee Bean once
No. No, you’re not BFFs with someone who doesn’t even know you exist. Sorry to break it to you.
16. When people knock on the bathroom door repeatedly when you’re peeing
I don’t know if you’ve experienced trying to drunkenly pee at a house party, but it’s worse than a lot of things. First of all, peeing while inebriated can be difficult, and while you are very good at this activity sober, alcohol makes things harder. Everything is slower and feels weird and not quite right. Not anyone’s problem though, right? Right. But holy mother of god, if you notice that the bathroom is locked, then it’s locked. I’m not in here fucking someone. I’m not taking a shower. I’m pissing. Please give me at least four minutes.
17. Referencing Pynchon, Derrida, or Foucault within a span of ten minutes
We get it. You went to college.
18. The customer that takes five years to find exact change
I understand the pain it causes you to carry around two quarters, a nickel, and four pennies. It’s brutal. But also making me wait in line for an extra five minutes as you root around in your purse for change you supposedly have is so not cool.
19. Customers waiting in line for 20 minutes and then not knowing what to order when it’s their turn
What could you have possibly been doing or thinking while waiting in line? Do you even care about food? Or eating? Are you confused about the reason you drove to an establishment that makes food for you after you order exactly what you want after looking at a menu?
20. Reminding everyone you are on a diet
We get it. You’re going gluten-free. You feel so energetic now. You lost two pounds. You have to go to Whole Foods to get those special gluten-free cinnamon cookies. They're so expensive. You want all of us to try going gluten-free. Will. Not. Happen.
21. Referring your job as a Big Girl Job
If you’re in your 20s and you have a job, it’s just called a job. It’s really not anything special to be earning your own money now. And while it is still excellent news you found a job in our shit economy, you must refrain from calling it your “big girl job.” You must.
22. James Franco’s short story collection
Because fuck that guy.
23. Sitting in your car for ten minutes even though a car is waiting for you to leave
I think this is one of the most inconsiderate things of all time, especially if I’ve been circling the parking lot and it’s very, very apparent that there is a distinct shortage of available parking spaces. Unless you have children, you really have no reason to be sitting in your car for five minutes with the engine lights on (which indicate your vehicle will be in motion soon) while I patiently wait for you to back out.
24. When people judge you at the gym
So what if I can only lift ten pounds? Are you really going to give me the stink eye because I have failed the human race with my shrimpy arms? Well, #sorrynotsorry. Wake me up when you've acquired some actual priorities.
25. When restaurants charge extra for fries
Fries are basically a god-given right for Americans so no, I will not be happy about paying $3 extra for your pre-cut, frozen fries. So take that.
Images: Getty; Giphy(8)