The alleged Gosbaby name is out, you guys, and if you placed your money on the name being right out of a Victor Hugo novel —yes, it was a Disney movie as well — then congrats! You won! It was a tough bet to be sure, but you know who has to live with this decision for the rest of her adult life? Esmeralda Amada Gosling. Yeah, reportedly, normal-named people Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes named their (still unconfirmed) baby girl Esmeralda Amada, which sounds like a ship or a poem or a stage actress from the 1920s, if I'm being honest.
Now, it's not a bad name. It's not super niche like Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor or found on a kitchen counter like Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple. Heck, it's not the name of an androgynous Spaghetti Western character like Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis' Wyatt Isabella, but it's still just too... too. Maybe I can't talk. When given the opportunity to name my pet fish I went with Nabisco. Then again, that's because it's a fish. I expected that fish to just hang out all day and do fish things. What is Esmeralda Amada going to do with that name?
It's something I consider often when I hear about celebrity baby names, because it's just infuriating to me that while celebrities might champion for their kids to have normal lives — Good! They deserve it! — they're anointing them with names that only a celebrity, a surrealist artist, or an indie street rapper could pull off.
Based on Esmeralda Amada's name specifically, here are a few possible careers she could have once she comes of age:
Mama Mendes has that sweet line at New York and Company, and I can already see Esmeralda Amada being a go-to label for hippy skirts, silk scarves, draped velvet dresses, and bangles.
Fine, I keep thinking gypsy because of the The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I'm thinking Esmeralda would follow in the footsteps of artists like Florence and the Machine and Lorde. Artistic. Melodic. Weird, yet romantic. Slightly off-kilter — much like the cadence of saying Esmeralda Amada.
Oh, she also only goes by her first and middle name, sort of like Cher and Madonna, because it's Esmeralda Amada, beeyotch. Wait, that might be too pop.
An indie darling who's learned so much from watching her parents perform, Esmeralda Amada is really only prepared for life as an actress, but not for rom-coms or action films. Esmeralda Amada is a mysterious sort of indie It Girl. She has the brooding eyes down pat. She plays girls who are troubled but cool. Later on when she decides to pull a Sofia Coppola and begins to make movies herself that poke at decadence and troubled girls, she drops her last name and opts for just E. Amada.
Now while these careers are certainly respectable, what if Esmeralda Amada wants some normalcy? What if she doesn't want the attention that her super romantic name brings? How will she just have her knitting store or be a certified public accountant when this name brings on so much responsibility to be cool?
Only time will tell.
Images: Giphy (3)