So, I was born bald. I know, I know – so are a lot of babies. But you have to understand: I was one hundred percent bald until the age of two and a half, and nobody knew why. Of course I was adorable (or so I've been told), but still, being known for your baldness does something to you. Namely, when I actually started growing hair, there was no way I was going to question it, no matter what it looked like. I let it grow to crazy, Rapunzel lengths and vowed never to cut it, a vow that I impressively stood firm on until the age of fifteen.
When my hair finally did grow, it was unimaginably frizzy. Which is totally fine, when you're little. It fits perfectly into the schema of happy kid: the big puffy cheeks, that streak of mud on your pants, and of course, the happy little broomstick on your head that follows you wherever you go. For the most part, my life was great, except the moments when my mom, armed with a ponytail holder, finally caught me, and I had to sit still for the five most devastatingly long seconds of my life while she attempted to pull it back. Other than that, big-haired childhood was totally cool.
But frizzy-haired people grow up, too. (Side note: so do people of all hair types. What a world we live in!) And we find that living with the frizz has its own ups and downs that we have to live with on a daily basis:
Worst: You Wake Up Every Morning Looking Like This
Or some variation of it. Waking up with frizzy hair is like waking up to a surprise party you didn't RSVP to. And sometimes the surprise is good! But sometimes the surprise is clumped and knotted and a little bit terrifying, if you're telling the truth.
Best: You Have License To Get Creative
If you do some planning ahead, frizzy hair is actually quite pliable for different hairstyles. Especially if you haven't showered in awhile! I may or may not be speaking from years and years of experience.
Worst: You Keep...Finding Things In It
At some point you should start charging rental fees for all the things you've found in your hair over the years, including and not limited to: legos, bugs, ancient Egyptian artifacts, and that piece of popcorn you swore you dropped at the movie theater and wondered why you couldn't locate for the entire duration of Gone Girl.
Best: You're Instantly Several Inches Taller!
Technically, I am not tall enough to play most Disney princesses at Disney World. But if a day ever comes that I am considered, I will be entirely grateful for frizz insurance.
Worst: Combing It Creates a MEGA MONSTER
You know that part in the Avengers when the aliens come bursting through the time portal and every time they kill one, another ten bajillion seem to take its place? That's what it's like trying to comb frizzy hair in the morning. It may have been defying gravity before, but now the frizz has multiplied to the point where it defies most dimensions of time and space. (There may have been less nerdy ways to describe this phenomenon, but I'm less sorry about it than I should be.)
Best: You Can Totally Pull Off The Layered Look
In fact, in some cases of frizzy hair, the layered look is not only achievable, but entirely necessary. It frames your face and totally reduces the sticky summer sweats you'll get walking around with your impressive mane. I went with layers this past summer and have never looked back.
Worst: You Are A Target For Mall Kiosk Workers
"Miss? Miss? Can I ask you what you use for your hair??"
The one time I fell for this, the woman straightened half of my hair, told me it would last for a week, and then gave me the gargantuan price of the straightener. Being a high schooler and the brokest broke, obviously I couldn't afford it, which is the story of how I spent a week of school looking way more asymmetrical than usual.
Best: The Wind Makes You Look Like A Character In A Nicholas Sparks Movie
Or, at least you're pretty sure it does.
Worst: You Shed Like A Dog
Seriously, where did all this hair come from? It’s on your roommates, your co-workers, people you’ve never even met. Which means if you have dark hair, you can never wear light clothes without looking like a hair strand jamboree, or vice versa if your hair is light and you're trying to wear something dark. The game is over before it even begins.
Best: People Are Always Asking How You Achieve The "Bedhead Chic" Look
What, this old thing? I'd explain to you my crazy routine but I just don't know if you could handle it. Mostly, I was just born. That is my hair routine. That's how I pulled off this look. I was born.
Worst: You'll Never Be Able To Dramatically Exit A Room
Hair flip? Fat chance. You're lucky if you can even run your fingers through your hair successfully, let alone choreograph the movements of all of your hairs in synchrony. You'll just have to compensate by getting really good at snappy comebacks and sassy walking.
Best: You Can Be A Hippie For Halloween!
'Tis the season, folks, and if you're like me, you can't afford to go all out on a crazy Halloween number. Never fear: you have built-in hair for this. Strut your stuff. You earned it. Or at least your genetics did.
Images: NBC, Giphy (11)