'AHS's Twisty the Clown — 22 Steps to Prepare For Seeing the Gruesome Character Each Week
Ryan Murphy, you devious psychopath. What have you done? Well, actually, I can answer that for you. You've crossed the line, that's what you have done. A serial killer clown? A huge, perpetually grinning clown, doused in dried blood, with a blank, lifeless stare?! I can't even move once the episode is over, much less navigate my house for the rest of the night. So long, late night bathroom trips! Farewell, bladder health! We’re all just going to have to cross our legs and wait till morning. Granted, I should presumably take some of the blame considering the whole thing where I tune into a show with "Horror Story" in the title. Whatever. The fact of the matter is that American Horror Story: Freak Show could be a full hour of Twisty the Clown staring at the screen and I'd be sufficiently terrified for all of eternity.
But, being the masochists we are, we're obviously still watching anyway. And, for reasons we should most likely be spending a lot of time in therapy for. A lot. So, if you’re like me and love AHS but cannot reconcile the fact that someone actually fathomed Twisty into being; I’m here to help you. I’ve selflessly marked up a list so that you can best mentally prepare for him being on your screen each week.
1. FIND A RELIGIOUS ESTABLISHMENT
2. INVITE RELIGIOUS LEADER FROM SAID ESTABLISHMENT OVER TO YOUR HOUSE FOR A VIEWING PARTY
Stop by other religious establishments on the way. Invite them, too.
3. INVITE OVER FRIENDS, TOO. STRENGTHEN YOUR ODDS OF SURVIVAL
He can't kill all of you, right? Right?!
4. BUY SNACKS, DON'T BE RUDE
Get the Reese's — it might be your last meal.
5. TURN EVERY SINGLE LIGHT ON IN YOUR HOUSE
Every. Single. One.
6. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FLASHLIGHTS
I cannot stress this enough.
7. ...AND RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES.
Serial killers are always messing with the god damn electricity. Let's be one step ahead of them, for ONCE.
8. PADLOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS
One lock will NOT do.
9. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CLOSE THE BLINDS
Do I even have to elaborate?
Find your peace.
11. CALL YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER
Just in case.
12. ARM YOURSELF
Just have something near by, OK? I don't care if it's a broom or your 4th grade soccer trophy, be prepared.
13. SEND OUT AN EMAIL BLAST ALERTING FRIENDS THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ANSWERING THE DOOR FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE NIGHT
Under any circumstances. This is about survival.
14. WATCH ONE HALF HOUR OF THE DISNEY CHANNEL
To uplift and encourage.
15. REMIND YOURSELF THAT THIS IS A FICTIONAL SHOW
16. QUELL YOUR ANXIETY ABOUT COPYCAT KILLERS
17. RESEARCH COPYCAT KILLERS
Google search: Murder per capita in my neighborhood
18. SHUDDER IN FEAR
*Makes funeral arrangements*
19. TURN ON YOUR TELEVISION
20. RECOIL AT THE OPENING CREDITS
IT'S JUST LETTERS, WHY ARE THEY SO SCARY?!
21. CURSE THE DAY RYAN MURPHY WAS BORN
Praise the day Ryan Murphy was born. Admittedly, it's a great show.
22. HOLD HANDS AND WAIT
I'll never let go, Jack. No, seriously. I will NEVER let go.