If These 12 Celebs Were Halloween Candy, What Would They Be?
Halloween is just around the corner, ghouls and guys. Even if you’re at an age where it would be totally uncomfortable for you to trick or treat, you’re never too old for candy. And you're never to old to wonder what your favorite celebs would be in Halloween candy form? I mean, maybe these are just things I think of when I lie awake at night, but I’m sure you’d be very curious to find out.
Like your favorite pop stars have board game dopplegangers, and reality stars have their wine pairings, celebrities clearly have candy soul mates. Specifically, I’m talking about Halloween candy. Every year, kids fill up their little plastic jack-o-lanterns or pillowcases with an assortment of fun-sized Hershey’s products and commence trading. People who enjoy savoring their candy go for Twix or Kit Kat. Tart enthusiasts opt for Starburst. Snickers is always a crowd-pleaser, and nobody will ever wanna trade you for your Good & Plenty. Well, every now and then you do meet someone who enjoys those infernal purple pellets, and judge them accordingly for actually liking licorice.
If we apply these requisite candy characteristics to celebrities, the algorithm for finding out which person is which candy is simple. So, let’s play the celeb/Halloween candy game!
Emma Stone — Reese's
It's not to say that everyone likes Reese's and/or Emma Stone, but I'm going to make an umbrella statement and posit that most people do. Like Reese's candy, Stone is sweet, substantial, has a salty little kick, and is not easy to swap a Milky Way for.
Jennifer Lawrence — Twix
SweetTarts are for the birds. When J. Law does Halloween candy, she means it. That said, Twix is a decadent mixture of cookie, chocolate, and caramel fitting of Hollywood's favorite unabashed hedonist, Jennifer Lawrence.
Amy Poehler — Kit Kat
Whenever I watch anything with Amy Poehler, I find myself wanting the show to go on forever. Such is my connection with Kit Kat bars. Eating them wafer by wafer, they're intensely savor-able, and you can even share with your best friend/online mentees/adoring public.
Tina Fey — Nerds
Tina Fey's 30 Rock facsimile is constantly lamenting being surrounded by nerds. "NERDS!!" She chastises them. Half the time, when I watched the show, I was hoping she was just pointing our the presence of this pelleted-fruit candy in the room.
Taylor Swift — Starburst
Like Taylor Swift, I've found Starburst to be a divisive candy. If you're a milk chocolate person, you just end up throwing most of the package away. However, people who are into super-sweet fruity things can't get enough of her.
Ariana Grande — Fun Size M&M's
Like fun-size M&M's, Ari is bite-sized, sweet, candy-coated, and still kinda developing her voice.
Kristen Stewart — Mary Jane Candy
Mary Jane candies are generally preferred by octogenarians and people who do everything ironically. Like how Kristen Stewart is an actress ambivalent about being actress-y, Mary Jane candies eschew the idea that candy should taste sweet.
Katy Perry — Good & Plenty
First of all, Good & Plenty candies look like they could have been encrusted one of Perry's Teenage Dream bustiers. Second of all, you understand licorice is supposed to be candy because it's sweet, but there's just something you don't trust about it.
Shailene Woodley — Fruit Leather
A girl like Woodley who brushes her teeth with clay would avoid the refined sugar in classic Halloween candy like the plague. Thus, she'd get the closest thing from the health food store that seems like candy: fruit leather!
Kim Kardashian — 3 Musketeers
Kim is totally like a 3 Musketeers bar. People generally recognize that it's the low-grade candy, but they'll still go for it when all the Snickers and Butterfingers are spent.
Justin Bieber — Warheads
Warheads are the candy of rabble-rousers. Can't you just imagine little Biebs showing off for his friends on the playground by attempting to tolerated the bitterness of five warheads in his mouth at once?
Beyoncé — Snickers
People love Snickers. They have an extremely persuasive and all-encompassing PR strategy. Also, they combine nearly every texture that one could desire in a chocolate bar - creamy, crunchy, and moussey. Like Beyoncé, Snickers is a deluxe sensory experience. Even if you don't call yourself an avid fan, you're not trading it for any other kind of inferior candy.