Your Inner Monologue When Someone Is Taking Forever To Respond To A Text Message
We live in a world where machines are taking over and soon our robot overlords shall rise up and enslave us all. I'm obviously (hopefully) exaggerating, but it cannot be denied that we're becoming more and more reliant on technology, especially cell phones. They're so ubiquitous that now even our babies and grannies have them. So riddle me this: if your phone is glued to your hand every second, on the table at every meal, sharing a pillow with you each night, then why, dear god, why can some of you not respond to text messages within a reasonable time frame? This is a frustration we're all intimately and annoyingly familiar with, and while in the throes of The Long Wait, these are the (probably) insane and (definitely) absurd thoughts that run through your head:
Waiting To Hear From Your Crush
"It's been 10 minutes since I texted him. What's he doing? He was responding and now he's just...not. Did his phone die? Yeah, it probably died. I'll give him a second to plug it in. OK, it's now been 10.5 minutes. Come onnnnn, Ben! UGH he hates me. That's it, he hates me. Is he with a girl? Is it Maggie? Bitch! She knows I'm into him. She doesn't shave her armpits. I hope he knows that. I mean, I get that she's pretty or whatever but just because she's blonde and has big boobs doesn't make her better than me. I wonder why he likes her? Maybe he's gross too. Fine, I hope you two are very happy together in your life of slobby bliss – oh he responded!! Oops..."
"Wtf, Karen, where are you? I snapchatted you the most hilarious picture of my dog eating ice cream 45 freaking minutes ago and nothing. Now you're not responding to my text? Girl what the hell. You're supposed to be my best friend! I got detention twice last month for texting you during class, and you can't even respond now, on a weekend? This is sooo typical. Maybe I should start hanging out with Jess more. Yeah she's got that weird laugh but at least she understands simple texting etiquette. Wait, are we in a fight and I just forgot? This can't be about the scarf still. I told her I would give it back as soon as I was done wearing it everyday plus I always steal her clothes so that can't be it. OK, it's never taken her this long to respond before. She's always been good about that. Everything's alright I hope! Now I feel bad. Should I call her house? Did she break up with Max again? She would have told me. Maybe I should go over and bring her some ice cream, just in ca – ugh, finally! Here she is!"
Guy Selling a Dresser on Craigslist
"Dude, do you wanna sell this thing or not? I responded within 15 minutes of your post going live. Pretty sure I win. How many other people could there be looking for a crappy, broken-down dresser at 3AM? Whatever, I don't even need your stupid dresser. I could go out and buy one at IKEA for the exact same price. What am I even doing on CL anyways? Yeah, I guess it's cheap, but isn't it also kind of shady? There are some messed up people online! OMG now he has my number. That's not traceable to my location, is it? I see them do it all the time on SVU but that's not a real thing, right? Maybe I should turn my phone off. I don't need a dresser, most of my clothes hang up anywa – agh, he responded!"
"Moooooom, where areeeee youuuuu?! You've been bugging me for years about calling you as soon as I get somewhere and texting you 24/7 so you know I'm safe but now apparently I'm the adult and you're the child! Seriously mommmmm, where are you?! Hi, this is your one and only daughter, your little girl, the baby of the family – ring any bells?! You probably accidentally turned your phone on silent or something again, didn't you? Ugh. We got you an iPhone for Christmas and spent 2 friggin weeks teaching you how to use it. Come onnnnn, mom, you are smarter than this! I need you to answer me before I go into the subway in 2 seconds cause I'll lose service and then what am I supposed to do about rent money – oh, there you are, yay!"
The lesson: Text unto others as you would have them text unto you, you bunch of freakin' heathens.
Images: Getty Images; Ali Parr(4)