13 Reasons Why Sweaters Are Basically The Pizza Of Clothing (aka They Are Perfect)
There's a reason that your mother always told you to pack a sweater, and it's not just because Elsa might spontaneously freeze your hometown the way she froze Arendelle the last time she lost her...chill. (Sorry. Kinda.) It turns out that with or without ice magic, weather experts are predicting that this year will top last winter's cold front, with even more snowpocalypses on the horizon and possibly even the return of the polar vortex. If that's not a reason to run out and recklessly purchase as many sweaters as you can, then what is?!
And it turns out that sweater lovers (aka everyone on the planet) also have fashion on their side this year, too. The fashion forward among us have already started picking the best winter sweaters and finding fun ways to mix up patterns and styles, and the less fashion forward among us are nodding along while secretly just pleased to burrow into something that is warm and floofy and makes it feel like Christmas is all the time. So dig deep into your closets, everyone, and free the chunky knits and fair isles and oversized sweaters, because there are just too many reasons to resist wearing them for one more moment:
You'll Never Run Out Of Affection
Guess who everyone wants to cuddle? The person wearing a human-sized blanket, that's who. When you're wearing a cozy sweater you're like a magnet for human affection. I've been known to stroke friends who wear cotton sweaters. And they totally don't mind. The first five or six times.
Sweaters Will Never Judge You
It's the holidays, so it is my civic duty to eat my way through the New Year. How else am I going to come up with a resolution? In the meantime, it's nice to have a little extra help from our good friend the sweater, who is wholly forgiving of the many extra rounds of holiday puppy chow Chex Mix you pretended you were grabbing for your friends but were actually scarfing in a corner yourself.
You Can Share Them With Everyone
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, my ass. Because my ass sure wouldn't have fit into something Blake Lively's can fit into, and I'm guessing that goes for most humans on the planet. Sweaters, on the other hand, are easily transferrable between humans, which is something I'm a little less excited about when I find mine missing from my closet but more excited about when I can justify a purchase with "Well, it'll fit everyone in the family!"
They're There For You In A Bind
Even if it's not cold outside, there is so much you can use sweaters for: Sitting on damp park benches; Rescuing you in cold movie theaters; Wrapping around your waist to conceal the giant red period stain on the butt of your pants. Winter, spring, summer or fall, the sweater is there for you no matter what the emergency.
Alex From Target Probably Owns One
Future presidential nominee and owner of fierce eyebrows Alex From Target might own a sweater, so obviously sweaters are good.
They Go With Everything In Your Closet
Sweaters are like the Andrew Garfield of the clothing word: they look good no matter what they're wearing. You can mix it up with leggings or jeans or even a cute skirt and tights. Do you even need to wear anything on bottom when you are reveling in the glory of a sweater? (Maybe. Depending on how likely your neighbors are to call the cops.)
You Don't Have To Wear A Bra Anymore!
Or at the very least you don't have to wear one that's super structured. Sweaters mean sports bra time is all the time. It's not like anyone's going to be scrutinizing a giant curtain of knit fabric and going, "Aha! I suspect your bra has significantly less underwire than it did in in the summer months." Or maybe they will, in which case it's time to make some less eerily observant friends.
They're Perfect For Every Mood
Want to feel cozy? Sweater. Feeling sad? Sweater. Feeling mind-boggling happy? Sweaterrrrr. Sweaters are like emotional chameleons: They are there for you no matter how you feel.
They Come In Every Color On The Planet
The choices! They burn!
They're Not Just For Humans
All of nature can enjoy the simple bliss of wearing a sweater, including my family's shih tzus, who are, might I add, setting some very high chunky-knit sweater standards among the dogs in our neighborhood. Check yourself, other canines.
You Have A Built In Excuse To Sing "Sweater Weather" Forever
It's too coooOOWHooWhOOOAHoohhld for you HEEeeere in the holes of my sweater.
Everybody Looks Good In A Sweater
Even Ryan Reynolds doing...whatever just happened to him.
You Will Never Have Enough Of Them
Build a sweater fort! A sweater skyscraper! WEAR THEM ALL AT ONCE AND PARADE AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD. There will never be a time that I'll look back on my life choices and say, "Wow, I owned too many sweaters."