Hey, Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake: I've Got Your Baby Name Ideas Right Here — UPDATE
This is not a drill: The rumors about Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake expecting their first baby together might actually be true. According to Us Weekly — and, of course, the now-deleted Instagram hint from InStyle editor Ariel Foxman — Biel's officially pregnant, but since I hate setting myself up for disappointment, I'm holding off on making a baby shower Pinterest board for the couple until we get confirmation from one of their reps. Until then, though, it's fun to speculate on the type of extreme superhuman these two are going to produce. Have you ever seen a baby shoot straight out of the womb with six pack abs and a sick falsetto? Sounds impossible, but it could be happening.
(Update: On Jan. 31, Justin Timberlake's 34th birthday, the couple confirmed they are expecting a baby via Timberlake's Instagram.)
I'm just saying that Suri Cruise, Blue Ivy, and Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher's brand new daughter Wyatt Isabelle (who sadly hasn't even been in the world long enough to become a strong competitor) better prepare themselves for the latest addition to the League of Seriously Beautiful Celebrity Babies. Baby Timberbiel is on his or her way, and he or she is going to rock your world.
Unfortunately, though, celebrities are kind of the worst at naming their beautiful, beautiful children. When you let them at a baby name book, they come up with things like Axl Jack (really, Fergie?). Here are a few suggestions for Biel and Timberlake to comb through as they get ready to welcome the most gorgeous bundle of joy the world has ever seen. Fingers crossed their baby never goes through the dreaded Ramen Noodle Hair phase.
Of course, we have to think about the obvious — if Biel or Timberlake wanted to name their daughter after either of their mothers, it's totally possible we'll have a Kimberly or Lynn on our hands. It would be a great way to honor their moms — and should Kimberly Biel-Timberlake come to exist, they'd have to dress her as the Pink Ranger on Halloween.
Then, there's always the idea that Biel could name her baby based on her most famous role — Mary Camden in 7th Heaven. Yes, the show is scary now because of the Stephen Collins' pedophile allegations, but I have nothing but fond memories watching it while eating a post-middle school snack of everything in the fridge. And I think Camden would be a totally adorable name for a little girl.
If Timberlake's at the wheel? Maybe Laura, after his sister? If they decide to go totally vanilla and go with a popular name, I love Olivia, Charlotte, and Sophia, all of which rank in the top 10 names of 2014. Biel also told People that, as a child, she idolized Mia Hamm, so that name might pop up here or there, too, because I'd totally name my kid after my teen idol, Lizzie McGuire.
A name they probably won't use: Britney. Sigh. As much as I love Biel and Timberlake together, I can't help but wonder what denim-themed happiness could have been.
When I think about the names I want Justin Timberlake to name his future son, a certain four come to mind: Chris, JC, Lance, and Joey. Okay, so the chances he'd actually name his baby after a former member of N'Sync aren't all that likely, but how awesome would that be?
And then we must consider familial names. If they go the dad route, Biel and Timberlake's son might be named Jonathan or Randall. My fingers are crossed that they don't name him Randall, though, because that name always makes me think of the creepy nerd from Recess. You know the one.
What I really hope doesn't happen is Justin Jr., because it always seems so pretentious to me when anyone names their child after themselves. Except in the case of Gilmore Girls, because Lorelai was making a feminist statement by naming her daughter after herself, and also everything Lorelai Gilmore does is perfect.
What I really hope happens: Biel names her baby after her childhood crush, Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Either Zack, in a nod to Saved By The Bell, or Mark-Paul will do. In fact, if she goes this route, I personally promise to name my future kid after any Hanson brother.
No matter what they decide to name their baby, though, he or she is going to be beautiful — and I can't wait for my first glimpse of Justin Timberlake holding a baby. Sigh.