Everyone knows that having an office crush can put a spring in your step — even if you're in a relationship, are too shy to make a move, or aren't actually interested in hooking up with someone you already see for 40 hours a week. But not having an office crush? Well, that can turn your work life into a depressing slog of boredom, laundry day outfits, and empty toner cartridges.
Knowing that there's a stone-cold fox milling around your workplace can motivate you to put some extra dazzle into our quarterly reports, to not call in sick with a "stomach flu" so that we can watch BBC dramas all day, and to make sure that all of the Tostito crumbs are brushed off of our shirts before we come back from lunch. Office crushes motivate us to be our best selves, at times when we would mostly just like to curl into a ball under our desks, George Costanza-style.
Without an office crush, how will we find the motivation to tell a great joke in a meeting? Or find anything to do with our workday downtime besides contemplate the infinite and yawning void of eternity that stretches before us?
And that's just the tip of the binder clip-covered iceberg. Here are nine other dangers of life in a crush-free work place.
THERE'S LESS MOTIVATION TO DRESS UP
Some of you are fashion-forward all day, every day, and I salute you. You are rocking that fashion poncho like nobody's business. But the rest of us can sometimes fall into a rut when we don't have an office infatuation to get dressed up for. Take office crushes out of the equation, and you'll be shocked by how easy it is to just start showing up for work in Pajama Jeans and an XXL promotional t-shirt for We Bought a Zoo.
THERE ARE FEWER WAYS TO DISTRACT YOURSELF
Real talk — office crushes aren't about love, or lust, or even loneliness. They are mostly about having something fun to break up the day besides Pinterest and cat GIFs. Planning and executing an "accidental" run-in with your crush in the break room, or working up the perfect flirty-but-still-reasonable question about Photoshop provides a fun and exciting way to fill the hours of down time that you'd otherwise spend Facebooking, online shopping, or wishing that you'd majored in something practical, like woodworking.
AFTER-WORK HAPPY HOURS HAVE NO EXCITING POTENTIAL
When you have an office crush, the run-up to after work happy hours feels like the run-up to New Year's Eve. What will happen? Will you two confess your mutual love to each other? Will you at least have a sloppy makeout session next to the Big Buck Hunter machine? The possibilities are endless!
But without an office crush, you see after work happy hours for what they are — a countdown until Linda from Design starts weeping inconsolably. Either way, you kinda wish you'd just gone straight home. You could be wearing those Pajama Jeans by now, damn it!
COFFEE RUNS ARE JUST ABOUT COFFEE
The real horror of not having an office crush is that it takes away all the fun, sneaky ulterior motives you get to build into the boring stuff you do all day. When you're not constantly trying to orchestrate a run-in with your crush, you're just left with ... the boring stuff that you do all day.
THERE IS NO REASON NOT to EAT AT CHIPOTLE EVERY DAY
OK ... so maybe this can be a good thing. With no crush to lie to about your healthy and dynamic lifestyle, why pack yourself an adorable, balanced little lunch every day? Why not get a carnitas bowl with extra guac, like you really want? You don't need to lie to your work friends by packing a Whole Foods lunch — they've seen you go all Hungry Hungry Hippos on an entire burrito bowl. They have no illusions about who you are, what you eat, or how gross you get on the regular.
YOU waste a lot of time Searching FOR A NEW WORK CRUSH
Eventually, after a prolonged amount of time without a work crush, you may begin to panic, and assess every carbon-based life form that enters your office building for work crush potential. What about that guy who held the elevator for me once about six months ago? What do you think he's up to? Or what about that guy with the headphones who sits by the bathrooms? I mean, I've never actually seen him turn around, but he has a nice back-of-the-neck area, and isn't that half the battle? What about that guy over there by the copy machine ... oh, wait, that's just a pile of cardboard boxes that have been stacked up for recycling? Well, do you think they want to go on a coffee run with me?
YOU have fewer topics to bond with your coworkers over
Yes, you have your real work friends. But you also have your work "friends" who exist in your life primarily as accessories to your office crush. They happily spent all day chatting (and gchatting) with you, weighing in on what you should say when you see your crush, and eagerly taking your advice about how to make a move on the guy who works in the copy shop. Without a work crush, you can kiss this whole arena of workplace bonding goodbye.
You have to actually make an effort to meet your next crush
The best part of having an office crush? If you're single, it allows you to put that whole dating thing on hold. Because you're getting your flirting fix at work, you can tide yourself over during the winter months without having to go on a single date. Without an office crush? Well, you can still do that, but you're far more likely to find yourself reading articles like this.
you're forced to confront the fact that this plotline was a fairytale
Goddamn Jim and Pam for giving us these unrealistic expectations. Where's our Jim? Huh? TELL ME.