And so it was written: On the eighth day, God decided to put Love Actually on Netflix. If you haven't already had your mandatory annual viewing of it yet, then pull over, get out of the shower, forget that baby you were about to deliver, because I can promise you that whatever you're doing right now isn't as important as watching Hugh Grant dance around Number 10 Downey Street like a total boss. This is the movie that taught you how to love, the movie that brings your entire family together, the movie that you re-watched while wrapping Christmas presents until three in the morning every single year. Who among us is too good to indulge in at least one viewing of our generation's only bona fide holiday classic during this time of year? Not a goddamn one of us.
The film has become so ingrained in our collective psyche that it's easy to forget that this movie was birthed before the creation of the iPhone. In fact, partially because of the fact that suspected vampire Keira Knightley has not aged a day in over a decade, it's easy to forget that this movie came out in 2003. Do you know how many times Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have broken up and gotten back together since then? Approximately, a lot. But more importantly, in this past decade, we've had all kinds of cultural and technological changes that would drastically affect the plot of Love Actually if it were released today. Here are 17 ways it would be different:
Jamie Finds Out His Partner Is Cheating On Him Through An iMessage Mix Up
Jamie figures out his girlfriend is cheating on him in the movie when she calls out sexually explicit things to his brother through the door, but in 2014, she would most likely be caught after sexting his friend through iMessage (because everybody who owns an iPhone and a MacBook knows that if you're not paying attention, you can accidentally send your texts to your computer). Colin would find all the winky face emoticons popping up in the sidebar while scrolling through Tumblr and the jig would've been up.
Juliet Loses All Her Wedding Footage From An iOS8 Update Mishap
Remember earlier this year when everyone basically burned their iPhones to the ground while trying to update them? That's what would've happened to the footage of World's Most Annoyingly Adorable Wedding, which got messed up in a much more analog way in the original film. iOS failure is much more likely these days than anything else.
The President Sends Natalie A Dick Pic And Accidentally CC's The Prime Minister
Public groping in the Prime Minister's office is so 2003.
The E-Receipt For The Bracelet Harry Buys His Receptionist Goes To His Wife's Email Account
Or else she figures it out when all the recommendations on Amazon switch to jewelry.
Also, She Listens To Adele Instead Of Joni Mitchell
I love Joni Mitchell's music to the end of the universe, but even the biggest Joni fan has to confess that in 2014, if you want to feel heartbroken for a moment in private while your family is in the next room, you turn on "Hometown Glory".
The Entire Poster Scene Is Composed On An iPad App
Swipe. Swipe. *Emotionally meaningful look* Swipe.
The Prime Minister Mentions One Direction In His Anti-America Speech
In the original version, he lauds Harry Potter and David Beckham, two timeless English treasures, but I feel like at this point One Direction would also make the "eff you Americans" list.
Also, This Whole Scene Is Set To Pharrell's "Happy"
*Clap along if you feel like happiness is the TRUTH.* Yeah, I can see Hugh Grant shaking his ass through his Prime Minister's residence to that song.
This Would Never Have Happened
I mean, it was stupid of him to use a typewriter and not make copies eleven years ago and somebody would have shaken some damn sense into him by now. Basically, this entire scene probably would've never happened and Jamie never would've seen Aurelia's back tattoo and fallen in love with her. Because if this movie happened in 2014, he would've been on a MacBook Air, and if that had fallen in the water, he would've been too busy killing himself to notice his housekeeper getting half-naked.
... And This Would Have Happened A Hell Of A Lot Faster
Google Translate, anyone? They would've Googled how to say "Let's do it" in each other's respective languages, like, 10 minutes into that first day together.
This Adorable Human Here Would Look Drastically Different
Thomas Brodie-Sangster, apocalyptically adorable lovestruck child, grew up to look like THIS:
Look out for our wedding invites.
A High-Level Terror Threat Would've Been Issued When That Kid Ran Past Security At The Airport
Man, in 2014, Heathrow would've been shut the fuck down for many hours if a kid blazed through security like that. He wouldn't have just sauntered back to his dad—he would've been interrogated for days and probably been on a watch list for the rest of his life. Also, he would never make it through the winding dramatic airport run to his one true love, because as we have seen in 2014, Thomas isn't so great at solving mazes by himself.
Colin Would Have Been Picked Up In A Lyft
By a really uncomfortable person who hugged him profusely and said "I love you" so airport security didn't catch them.
And He Probably Would Have Found All These Ladies On Tindr
About Colin: BRITISH. (That's all.) Swipe, swipe, swipe.
All Of Billy's Music Would Have Been Illegally Downloaded
Thereby ending any "comeback" he might have had. (Did I just get too real?)
David Would Have Stalked Social Media Natalie To Find Her Instead Of Going Door-To-Door
It was adorable that he knocked on half a million doors on the street she mentioned, but for pity's sake, you're the freaking Prime Minister. I watch too much Scandal to not believe that they have just as capable technology for people stalking in England.
Everyone Would Probably Be Too Busy Texting and Playing Angry Birds To Fall In Love Anyway
Oops, there goes the plot!
Images: Universal Pictures; Giphy (16)