Ashton Carter Is Not Aaron Carter Or Ashton Kutcher, But They're All Suspiciously Similar

In case you missed it, White House insiders say President Obama will nominate Ashton Carter for Secretary of Defense, following the somewhat passive-aggressive resignation of former secretary Chuck Hagel. Carter, who is a physicist and long-time Pentagon affiliate, will succeed Hagel if he is confirmed by the senate (which he will be with flying colors, or so the Washington Post reports). He is most lauded for his years of national security experience and seems to generally be well-liked by everyone.

I get it, you're excited, and why wouldn't you be? However, before you celebrate, I must share some top-secret insider information with you. Upon initial analysis, it can be been concluded Carter is NOT the younger brother of Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter: celebrated pre-pubescent musician Aaron Carter. He also is not the man responsible for the hit T.V. prank show Punk'd — which ran on MTV from 2003 to 2012 — Ashton Kutcher. This is all deeply disappointing, because I feel like the White House could use some light-hearted pranks to combat all the serious business of late. It could even benefit from sugar-pop melodies accompanied with uncomfortable, sexually confused gyrating. I'm looking at you, Boehner.

But there's hope yet! Based on my expert analysis, it is at least 35 percent possible Carter may be the not-so-freak-accident lovechild of the two celebrities. Allow me to present my theory. You can come to your own conclusion, but I really think this one's a breakthrough.

A delicate political dance

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A defense secretary needs to know how to make graceful moves under high pressure. Aaron Carter knows all about that. He competed on Dancing With The Stars and scored in fifth place. Not to mention he received a "10" for his paso doble / jive combo. Also, check out that back flip. The Secretary of Defense is someone who needs to be willing to do back flips for America. Amirite or amirite?

Tricks up his sleeve

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In order to be a good Secretary of Defense, you've also gotta have some tricks up your sleeve. Thankfully Ashton Kutcher has that on lock. He's played pranks on tons of major celebrities. This talent can obviously translate to dealing with the war on terror and other international threats. If he can trick Beyoncé, he can trick ISIS. Boom.

Ashton Kutcher + Aaron Carter = Ashton Carter. COINCIDENCE?! I think not.

This is where I take it home. This is gonna sound like some crazy Illuminati stuff, you guys, but Obama's been through three defense secretaries already. So I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little sick of pulling the short straw by now. Also, the fight against ISIS will most likely be his foreign policy objective for the remainder of his second term, so whoever replaces Hagel needs to be the real deal – the über secretary. That all being said, perhaps the president decided to create his own defense secretary, using DNA from these two stars to engineer someone with enough charisma and child-star repressed anger to do the job. It's brilliant, it's insane, and it just. might. work.

I'm just saying.

Images: U.S. Department of Defense, Getty Images (3), Wikimedia Commons (2)