Martha Stewart Café Is Coming, and I Really Hope It Serves These Complicated Martha Stewart Recipes

Well, it’s finally happened: Martha Stewart is opening a café. With the oh so creative name of “Martha Stewart Café,” it will find its home in the Starrett-Lehigh Building in Manhattan., where the company’s headquarters are located. Claudia Shaum, a spokeswoman for Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc., told Bloomberg Businessweek on December 2 that the café’s managers are hiring baristas as we speak — so if it’s ever been your life dream to make overly complicated lattes for Martha Stewart (or, y’know, her legion of followers), have at thee.

Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long — although it looks like maybe the reason the café is finally becoming a reality is because Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia isn’t doing as well as it once was. Not that it’s struggling or anything — but Businessweek also reported that the company faced a $1.8 million loss last year “amid competition from the Internet.” Most of its magazine operations have been handed over to Meredith Corp., which publishes Better Homes and Gardens, in order to cut costs. I’m not sure whether a restaurant is actually going to improve the profit margin, but hey, it’s a worth a shot, right?

Although Martha’s recipes have gotten much more accessible over time — her chocolate chip cookie and banana bread recipes are staples in my baking arsenal — the fact remains that a huge amount of her dishes remain out of my reach. Whether it’s because they require skills I don’t have, time I really don’t have, or ingredients that either cost way too much or that I can’t get a hold of at all, many of her recipes will never grace my humble kitchen. So even though Martha’s spokespeople haven’t been able to confirm whether or not the café will actually serve the domestic goddess’ own recipes, here are nine slightly ridiculous ones I hope make it onto the menu.

1. Crab “Coquilles Saint Jacques”

An appetizer that takes four hours to make? My mains usually don’t take more than an hour.

2. Carrot Ginger Layer Cake with Orange Cream Cheese Frosting

I enjoy baking, but usually I limit my desserts to cookies, bars, cupcakes, and quick breads; I just don’t have the time or the presentation skills to tackle things like this layer cake on my own. I'll let Martha handle it for me instead.

4. Paella for 45

It’s a good thing I’m not a fan of throwing dinner parties. The ingredients for this massive paella would probably cost the same amount as a month’s rent.

5. Parisian Macarons

I’ve never attempted macarons; I’m afraid that if I do, it’ll all end in tears. Also I can't usually be bothered to make any cookie that requires additional assembly after baking.

6. Flower Sugar Cookies

Remember that thing where I have no presentation skills? This is also the reason why I never make delicately iced cookies.

7. Ratatouille with Poached Eggs

Martha has this one filed under “Brunch”… but it’s way too complicated for me to want to make first thing in the morning.

8. Kumquat Champagne Cocktails

And where would I find kumquats, Martha? Not anywhere near the suburban Southern New Jersey town in which I live, that's for sure.

9. Spinach Gruyere Gateau de Crepes

Being able to make perfect crepes is a prerequisite for making a cake out of them. This is not a skill I have.

Images: Giphy (9)