Tinder can be an awesome way to meet new people — but as the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find… well, maybe not a prince, but at least a partner who fits with your unique brand of romance. That’s exactly the topic writer and comedian Michelle Markowitz tackles in her latest video, “Every Guy You Meet on Tinder (In Under Three Minutes)” — and yes, it’s as hilarious and relatable as you think it is. Let's face it: Comedy videos about Tinder will never not be funny. It's one of the fundamental rules of the universe. Or something.
Written and directed by Markowitz and actor/writer David Ross, the video does exactly what it says: It showcases just about every type of guy you run into while swiping right. Markowitz stars as our Tinder Everylady, with Willy Appelman, Conrad Schott, Casey Worthington, Larry Powell, and Ross himself portraying all the would-be Romeos; there’s also a surprise appearance from Paul Gale, who — as we already know — is no stranger to the Tinder rollercoaster himself. OK, yes, it can be dangerous to generalize an entire group of people—but at the same time, I’m pretty sure everyone who has every used Tinder has met all of these dudes at least once during their time on the app. Am I right, or am I right?
Check out but a small selection of them here, and scroll down to watch the whole video. Ready… set… swipe!
1. The Guy Who’s Tinder-ing During Your Date
“This is an important work email,” he says. “No, you’re on Tinder,” you say. “No, I’m not on Tinder,” he replies. Dude. We can see you swiping.
2. The Guy Who’s in Finance
Because apparently everyone on Tinder is in finance. Yes, even the guy who says he works with children with autism. It turns out that’s just a once-a-year thing he does with Goldman Sachs, who actually employs him. Not that there’s anything wrong with finance, but, well… why is everyone on Tinder in finance?
3. The Guy Who Shows Up Drunk
At least he’s honest about it when you ask him.
4. The Guy Who Doesn’t Drink at All
That's cool. You should, though, that he does smoke weed. Lots and lots of weed. In fact, he partook in his favorite hobby right before he arrived. Just, y'know... in case you're wondering why he seems a little glazed over.
5. The Guy Who Spends the Entire Evening Checking Out Everyone Else’s Ass
Real subtle — in that completely not subtle, extremely obvious sort of way.
6. The Negger
How many times do we have to go over this? Negging not only does not work, but moreover, is a terrible way to behave towards someone!
7. The Guy Who Looks Nothing Like His Profile Picture
May we direct you towards these tips for good profile pictures?
8. The “Whiskey Connoisseur”
…Who actually knows nothing about whiskey.
9. The "Cowboy"
No. Just no.
10. The Guy Who’s Practically Perfect in Every Way...
…Except for the face that he lives in a totally different city and only visits the one in which you live every once in a while for work. Figures, doesn't it?
Watch the full video below, and head on over to Markowitz's YouTube channel for more hilarity:
Images: Michelle Markowitz/YouTube (11)