In case you needed to bring any more awareness to the fact that you’re painfully single, it’s National Single and Unmarried Americans Week! Who knew? Aside from the fact that “single” and “unmarried” don’t mean the same thing, the fine people at Pearl.com, an “expert” advice site, are using this occasion to tout their commissioned study of the state of singles and unmarried Americans.
Basically, the study suggests that single people hate being asked stupid questions, like whether or not their “bros” give good relationship advice. But, if you’re looking for ways to celebrate your chronic unlikeability, we've got the perfect (un)helpful guide for any single straight girl who is fed up with being alone. Maybe one of these tips will help you finally snag a man, and you’ll go from celebrating National Singles Week to racking up anniversaries in no time!
1. Go husband hunting.
The best way to celebrate being single is by getting un-single. Scoping out the appropriate Mr. You is important work, so you’ll have to prepare ahead. Google “bars that really rich, handsome, caring guys go to” and add those places to your weekly social calendar. Brush up on Man Things like cars, sports, and the stock market, and be sure to let potential suitors know that you’re DTF like, all the time, and that your kitchen skills are top-notch. If you’re having trouble snagging your man, be sure to keep it from your friends — the survey showed that over 50% of respondents had ditched a friend because they wouldn’t stop complaining about their dating problems.
2. Go on a diet.
If you are single, it’s probably because there's something wrong with your bod, right? Even if you are technically at a “healthy” weight according to your silly doctor, who couldn't stand to lose a few? This celebration of your singleness is the celebration of a new, happier, and most importantly, skinnier you. Besides, nothing tastes as good as a brand new boyfriend feels.
3. Eat ice cream and cry with your girlfriends.
Come on, you’ve seen Sex and the City before — this is what you’re supposed to do! Sad single girls are legally required to scarf entire gallons of ice cream while pining for a Ryan Gosling kind of love with their BFFs. Never mind that you could be out with friends or enjoying your own damn perfectly acceptable company! You’re a girl, being single is like, the worst thing that could ever happen to you. You owe yourself the calories.
4. Get some dating advice.
Maybe there is hope for you yet! For the low cost of $39, Pearl.com will give you three online counseling sessions with a “love doctor"! Maybe with time and the expertise of this in-no-way-a-therapist love doctor you can finally figure out what the hell is wrong with you! Get to the root of profound questions like “Why does the very sound of my voice drive away all men?” If you have a particularly unloveable friend, gift the “Love is a Battlefield” package — she’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness!
5. Consider a vow of celibacy.
If you’re over the age of 19 and still perpetually single, it may be time to consider giving up entirely. There have been some really cool spinsters in our history, like Mother Teresa and Lizzie Borden, so you’re already in really good company.
Shame on those people from Single and Unmarried Americans Week for thinking your singledom is something to celebrate. Use this occasion to proactively work toward your life’s most important goal — a rich husband, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids. Certainly don’t waste it enjoying your life — there’s plenty of time for that once you’re married!