Our Top Tips to Being a Man

by Julie Alvin

Goldman Sachs gossiper @GSElevator partnered with CNBC's Wall Street blogger John Carney to come up with a definitive Guide To Being A Man, compiling 70-plus tips to a gentlemanly existence. Some entries are spot-on, some hilarious, some offensive — and some necessary pointers are glaringly absent, according to us Bustlers. We compiled a list of those tips we think the duo left out.

  • "But football is on all day Sunday" does not let you off the hook for all other responsibilities.
  • The "casual fadeaway" form of break up becomes unacceptable once you've been dating a woman for more than a month/said I love you/have any tender feelings towards her whatsoever, whichever comes first.
  • You should probably stop smoking cigarettes now.
  • Make phone calls. There are — gasp! — ways to communicate other than via text.
  • If it's your friend's wedding, it's your responsibility to take care of the gift buying — and you've got until the couple's one-year anniversary before they start judging you slash calculating interest.
  • Only carry a golf umbrella on the street if you have to shield an entire kindergarten class, an original copy of the U.S. Constitution, or, of course, a gremlin from the rain.
  • Buy one pair of good, dark jeans that actually fits (we like APC New Standards, just sayin'). Make sure they don't have ANY kind of fancy embellishment on the pockets. And definitely make sure they're not by True Religion.
  • Don't pass a lady in the bike lane just to prove you're faster than her, only to inevitably slow down once you've proven your manhood. She's not impressed, and now she's tailgating someone who's not even wearing a helmet. Consider this a PSA.
  • The pretty woman sitting alone probably does not want to talk. That's why she's alone.
  • Do not ever, aloud or in print, use a sentence that includes the phrases "in the streets" and "in the sheets."
  • Avoid lists that encourage alcoholism and maid service.

Despite the omissions, we must give Carney and @GSElevator props for a couple of pointers that really hit the mark. We plan to live by the following going forward:

  • If she (he) expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she (he) doesn't want you.
  • Measure yourself only against your previous self.

Photo by Cydcor on Flickr.