When it came to all things sexy, I was a bonafide late bloomer. I had my first “real” kiss at 16 — and didn’t even like it. It was messy, sloppy, involved more saliva on my face than in my mouth, and I was pretty sure I was going to choke on his tongue. It was awful. I also didn’t lose my virginity until I was almost 19. Again, it was a less-than-pleasant experience.
Although I was an early bloomer when it came to puberty (I got my period at 11), when it came to all matters sexual and romantic, I was definitely late to the party. I was far too shy and introverted to ever act on any crush I had, and because I waited for them to come to me, I waited a long time.
Being a romantic late bloomer isn’t easy. It can make you feel like an outcast, and even cause some of us to make up stories about our “girlfriend who lives in Canada” just to fit in. If you were a late bloomer too (or are one now — ain't no shame!), then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Here are the 21 thoughts that all sexual late bloomers had once they got out there into the wide world of dating and sex.
“Will I At Least Have My First Kiss Before College?”
This was a legitimate concern of mine, until it finally happened.
“How Will I Explain That I’m a Virgin?”
If you couldn't drive, this line cut especially deep.
“Should I Even Explain That I’m a Virgin?”
It's almost as if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
“Even If I Don’t, Will I Bleed So Much the First Time That They’ll Know?”
Well, you could have you period? Maybe?
“How Come No One Pays Attention To Me?"
It's like everyone else is more noticeable for some reason.
“What’s Wrong with Me?”
Nothing, of course! It's just easier to go there than to realize everyone else might be just as clueless.
“My Story About Dating Someone In Canada Is Getting Old.”
Yes, it is. Maybe you should say you’re dating someone new in Alaska.
“If I Don’t Participate In This Conversation About Sex Will I Be Found Out?”
I used to turn beet-red whenever the topic of sex came up around me. Not exactly subtle.
“How Do I Ask Someone on a Date?”
I have yet to figure this one out.
“How Do I Respond If I’m Asked on a Date?”
Yes, if you're interested. I think that's how it works.
“What the Hell Will I Even Talk About on a Date?”
You could always talk about yourself until your date looks completely and utterly bored. Right?
“What If There’s a Lull in the Conversation?”
The weather! Talk about the weather!
This was a real point of hypothetical anxiety.
“I’ll Just Reach for My Wallet to Be Safe. Wait, is that insulting?”
It's always the polite thing to do, hypothetically.
“What If They Lean in to Kiss Me and My Breath Is Bad?”
Or your faces don't fit together?!
“What If I Lean in to Kiss Them and They Don’t Want To?”
If they say no, you have to give them props for being honest.
“Will I Pick Up on the Hint When They Want to Have a Sex?”
Probably. Being asked to come upstairs is always a dead giveaway.
“Should I Propose Sex?”
Should all cupcakes be covered in a creamy, buttermilk frosting?
"Should I Fake It If I Don't Orgasm?"
Never, ever, ever.
"Am I Going to End Up Alone?"
Probably not, but it can feel like that for a late bloomer.
"It Has To Get Less Pathetic Than This Eventually. Right?"
Define "less pathetic"...
Images: Paramount Pictures; Giphy(22)