Who knows if it'll be zombies, a bone-freezing blizzard, chemical warfare, or something else equally scary and life-obliterating: When it's the end of the world as we know it, CNN plans to feel...prepared? A former intern of the television news channel found a video called "TURNER DOOMSDAY VIDEO" during his 2009 tenure. The footage confirms the promise CNN Founder Ted Turner made decades ago: "Barring satellite problems, we won't be signing off until the world ends," Turner said in 1980. And, well, he planned accordingly.
Michael Ballaban, the bygone CNN intern and current Jalopnik journalist, discovered the video after hearing rumors from colleagues of its existence. It runs just shy of a minute-long, but all the sinister elements exist: Fuzzy B-roll of a congolmerate military band, slowly widening camera angles, the Turner Mansion, and completely silent drums. The specific song is the 19th century Christian hymn "Nearer, My God, To Thee." That's the same song onboard musicians played from Titanic's decks as the massive sink sunk below the icy sea, aka, a very comforting tune indeed.
Turner, who is also credited with creating the beloved, mullet-bearing green superhero Captain Planet, was one of the first to say TV should air 24/7. (A TRUE HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.) Considering that, it makes total sense that he thought long and hard about the impending apocalypse and how his powerhouse CNN should handle it. The video, which previously existed only in the network's intranet, is blatantly labeled (to prevent confusion, obvs) with the cheerful, “[Hold for release] till end of world confirmed." This is so awesomely dark for network news, you guys.
Not sure exactly who gets to confirm that—er—absolute final chunk of news. I feel like if I were the last one carrying a candle to navigate the empty, cavernous CNN studio, setting that crackling, Turner-celebrating footage sail across airwaves wouldn't be my concluding M.O. If the cuddly dudes were still rolling around and thus it was still possible, I think directing to the panda cam feed would be far less... depressing? Less... Leo? I don't know, at least the video would be more clear.