In case you weren't already forever scarred for life by Adam Levine's nuptials taking him off the market, you can dig yourself into an even deeper hole by experiencing the most sexually confusing four and a half minutes of your life: This parody of Maroon 5's "Animals" with actual stuffed animals. The music video trails a man who harbors an obsession with stuffed animals, which is, at first glance, not the craziest thing. Better a closet full of stuffed animals than a closet full of Christian Grey-worthy sex contraptions, right? WRONG. ("Very wrong," says everyone who loves closets full of sex contraptions.)
This is much more dastardly and hilarious than your average teddy bear obsession. It starts out innocently enough (You can be store bought, you can be free/ You can wear a tie where people can see) and quickly spirals from there (I still remember the smell of your down/ Touching your fur rolling on the ground). Full disclosure: I had to pause this video to plug my Beanie Babies' ears, and only then could I continue viewing the closest thing to a stuffed animal sex tape I've ever seen.
The song features comedian Brett Erlich, who I personally hope never lives this down, because it is branded in the rest of our brains forever. I might have to physically remove my stuffed animals from my bed until enough time has passed for me to feel morally okay about them being there again. I hope that there is a union somewhere out there for the bears that got featured in this daring interpretation of Maroon 5's hit song: