Hey world, are you sitting down? I need to talk to you about something, and some of you probably won't like it, but I'm just going to come out and say it. There are millions of real female football fans out there, and I am one of them. Holy shit, did some of you just faint? If you've regained consciousness, please quickly run through all your stages of shock (it usually goes something like denial, anger, acceptance) so we can get on with this conversation. As Super Bowl Sunday approaches (aka my favorite religious holiday of the year), I find it absolutely mind boggling how confused people are by female sports fans. I'm not sure when females liking football became some rare disease that afflicts only remote sections of our population, but I've actually lost count of how many men, and yes women, are mystified by me. And I'm not even talking about my hidden talent to spill my beer, pick it back up, and spill it again, repeatedly. I'm talking about my sincere love for the game of football.
Like all great love stories, me and football have had our ups and downs. I am well aware that the NFL is not having the ~best~ year. It's my hope that the more we talk about issues like domestic abuse in the NFL, the closer we are to tackling these issues in society too. I wish I could say that I get most pushback because of the stigma of violence in the NFL, but actually the most ignorant things that've been said to me as a fan are simply because I have a vagina (which means my brain is smaller, right? #eyeroll). So while we all gear up for Super Bowl Sunday, I'm going to run down a few things you should never, ever say to a female football fan. Or go ahead and say them if being a giant, ignorant asshole is your thing.
1. Name me five people on the team playing right now. Oh you can't? You're not a football fan.
I didn't realize we'd be having a pop quiz this weekend. Also, not sure how knowing random asinine trivia facts qualifies me as a fan. So yeah, I'm not going to whip out my junk to compare sizes. Sorry, not sorry.
2. Do you even understand what's happening right now?
Nope. No clue. I usually just stare at the TV for hours at a time without registering what's going on, because that's highly entertaining.
3. You like beer?
Do yourself a favor and just stop right now, because I can already anticipate the next five sexist things you're going to say about my drinking.
4. Which player do you think is the cutest?
I just cannot with this one.
5. I bet you can't wait for the Super Bowl Halftime Show, right?
Literally don't even know who's performing. Also, don't really care. Halftime = time to heat up more CHEESE dip.
6. What do you think about the Ray Rice scandal?
Well let's see. I am a human. I don't condone violence and strongly stand behind that life motto for all other humans. So, just like the rest of all football fans who may be male, female, green, gay, white, black, I think it's a bad look for everyone.
7. You're just like one of the guys!
I know, can you believe someone let me out of the kitchen so I could hang out with all you dudes? Me neither!
Images: Giphy (7)