Before I could spell my own name, properly hold a fork, or even speak human words, there was one concrete thing about myself I understood: I was a Seahawks fan, from cradle to grave. My father hails from Seattle, where I also lived as a kid, and as a result our whole family has blood that runs green and blue. Our entire childhood is punctuated with memories of everyone screaming at the television and generally making a big scene with our Seahawks gear in our neighborhood, which will not entirely shock anyone, because if you've been a human lately you'll have noticed that Seahawks fans are as proud as they are insufferably loud about that pride. That's a description I happily attribute to myself also, lest you think I'm casting stones. No stones. The opposite of stones. So, like, nachos. I'm casting NACHOS at my fellow Seahawks fans, right into their loud, proud, winning mouths. NACHOS FOR ALL SEAHAWKS FANS.
Ahem. Sorry for the outburst. We Seahawks fans are a little excitable these days on account of the raging endorphins from all this winning.
Anyhow, remember last year when the Seahawks won the Super Bowl? Of course you do, because Seahawks fans aren't done reminding you and we might never be. Combine last year's smugness with this year's and we are downright intolerable. I'm fully aware that I am annoying about my team pride—there is just nothing I can do to stop it. But because I am such a giving person (and also because I am aware that the rest of humanity is one boasty-brag dance away from shanking us), I have compiled some tips for dealing with us Seahawks fans in the next few weeks:
Give us all your cheese
You may have heard that a lot of us gave up cheese over the weekend to win the game against the Packers, because we are metal as all hell. I am entirely convinced that it was my suffering and the suffering of my fellow dairy-lovers that turned that score around, so it was worth it. But dear God, I have been a one-woman cheese machine for the past 48 hours and nothing is sacred.
If you have cheese, I will eat it. I don't care if you cry. I'll keep eating it and make eye contact with you while I do it.
Stay off Twitter
I cannot emphasize enough how vital this is going to be to your sanity. During last year's Super Bowl, I'd only accrued about 100 tweets on my personal account, and by the end of the game that number had doubled. And every single one of them was unfiltered vitriol for the other team, and boasting about my own. Just imagine several million more of me and that's what Twitter is going to be like for the next few weeks.
Avoid mentioning the number 12
We will use it as a springboard to talk about the 12th man, aka ourselves, because we are the best and we know it.
Avoid wearing blue and green
We will assume you are one of us. You might think that this is a good thing because we'll be nice to you, but the problem is we'll be SO NICE to you that if you're a non-Seahawks fan, it will genuinely terrify you. Also, when we realize you're a fake, you'll be dead to us.
"Don't you EVER talk about us"
We will hear you. We will find you. We will intentionally be smug in your line of sight in the most annoying way we possibly can.
Buy some earplugs
WE BROKE A WORLD RECORD FOR MAKING NOISE. YOU SEE THIS CAPS LOCK?! I CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE A HELL OF A LOT WORSE. (Admittedly, we are no longer in the top spot for noise-making, but it's only a matter of time until Seahawks' fans reclaim that honor. For the sake of your eardrums, make sure you're not there to witness it.)
Buy your Skittles now
Because come Game Day, I promise you that we'll have bought every blessed pack of Skittles within a 100 mile radius of wherever you happen to be. Marshawn Lynch's addiction is going to bring us certain victory. We don't care about out-buying unsuspecting consumers, least of all you.
Invest in air freshener
I'm not going to lie: I'm wearing my Seahawks shirt that people have been sweating in since the LATE SEVENTIES every single day until the game, and I know I'm not the only one. None of us is going to smell very pretty for the next few weeks.
We don't mean to be the way that we are. We can't help it. Eventually football season will be over and we'll be slightly more tolerable until late summer, and during those months, we hope that you can move past all the terrible things we have done/said/eaten out of your fridge without asking. We love you. It's just...we love the Seahawks more.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (7)