February 1st will be a monumental day. Not only is it the start of the month where the worst movies come out in theaters, but it's the moment where sports fans/fans of chicken wings throughout the United States get in front of their giant televisions, and yell at the screen. And by that, I mean — it's Super Bowl party time.
If you happen to fall into a group with some sports fans, chances are that you'll be invited to a party. If you're married to the biggest Seahawks fan in all the land, the party might be happening at your own house. Get out that gigantic bowl of chips, since it'll definitely be a party that'll either end in immense drunken cheers, or horrifying drunken rants. Make sure anything heavy isn't within arm's reach of the television screen, unless you want to cause an awkward friendship moment revolving around a cracked television screen. Hang tight, since tomorrow will be filled with watercooler discussions about bad plays, missed calls, deflated footballs, and chats about how crazy that Human Pac Man ad was.
To better prep you for the madness that you're walking into, here's a roundup of the 10 people that you'll see at every Super Bowl party, regardless of what team you're rooting for.
1. The Hardcore Yeller
This guy lives for sports, and likes to make his opinions loud and — well, loud. He'll also provide all of the unnecessary sound effects that every major sporting event has for some reason. "OUCH" and "GO GET HIM!" and "HE ALMOST HAD IT!" and of course, "OHHH!" will be uttered from his chip-filled trap. While he'll never truly take the job of the official announcers, he'll definitely liven up the party, and turn the game into a real event.
2. The "I'm Just Watching The Game For The Commercials" Guy
Super Bowl commercials are amazing (as they should be — they're extremely expensive), and each party will have one guy or girl who'll hush the crowd when they start up... even though it's 2015, and all the commercials will be available online, like, immediately after they air. I get it. There's something exciting about watching it live, especially if you're live-tweeting your thoughts to all of the other #superbowl fans. This person will probably rank commercials, and chart who got the best bang for their buck. He'll also be comparing company commercials to Super Bowl ads past, and make quips like "Last year's was better."
3. The "I Didn't Bring Anything, But I'm Going To Drink All Your Beer" Guy
Listen, a Super Bowl party is still a party. That means that you'll get the guy who can't even bring a six-pack, but raids your fridge of all of your cold brews. And you can't really say no to him, since beer and the Super Bowl go hand in hand. Might as well make sure to send an invite next year that specifies that it's definitely a BYOB event.
4. The "Can We Switch To The Puppy Bowl?" Guy
OK, this is me. I can't help it — I love the Puppy Bowl. I love the Kitten Halftime Show, I love making predictions on who'll win, and I love the fact that they keep repeating it throughout the night. Sometimes it's just nice to take a break from burly athletes, and have a little puppy time.
5. The Gambling Man
This guy has a lot riding on this game. Like, if New England doesn't win, he won't be able to send his dog to those obedience classes he desperately needs. (That sounded less sad than something like, "his son's college fund will be depleted." What can I say, I'm still thinking about the Puppy Bowl.) He'll be biting his nails the entire time, and probably sweating bullets. If things start out bad, chances are that he'll be wasted before the game even ends. You might need to wake him up to deliver him the financial news.
6. The Chip Hog
For some, the Super Bowl means that it's time to pig out. Chips, dip, guacamole, oh my! I definitely support this attitude on game day, but for someone to take the community bowl and sit it right in their lap? That's just no fun. This guy is the double dipper, his shirt will serve as a plate, and his greasy hands shouldn't be touching the remote if he wants to rewind and rewatch a controversial play. Make sure this guy has a roll of paper towels nearby, in case a food spill occurs.
7. The Person Who Knows Nothing About Football
This might as well also be me, even though I'm pretty darn impressive with Fantasy Football. Even though I was in marching band for two years, an extracurricular which forces you to watch the games, I didn't actually pay attention to what was going on ahead of me. Band geeks will be able to relate. However, there will be someone even more clueless than me out there. They'll be identifying the teams by jersey colors, and keep asking "who's winning?" despite the score being broadcast directly in front of them. Really, they were just happy that you wanted to invite them.
8. The Host Who Cooks Too Much
If your host is married to, or dating, a hardcore sports fan, be prepared for a feast. Especially if this person doesn't care about the game at all. Especially if they've been waiting for an audience to try a few new fun appetizers on.
9. The Person Who Bought A Jersey The Day Before Your Party
They want to be festive, right? Might as well buy a jersey from a football player who has a funny name. Yeah, you don't know anything about their stats or their gameplay, but you're wearing your jersey! And it seemed like it was a popular jersey at the store. Doesn't that mean anything?! While costumes can be fun, it can be seen as somewhat tacky to wear one to a game that means so much to people. Unless you've owned it for months before the game, I'd keep it in the closet.
By the way, you accidentally left the tags on. Might want to snip those off before anyone notices.
10. The Silent Guy
You almost forgot that this guy was there, but, no — he's definitely taking up a significant amount of couch space. This guy looks meticulous, watching the game as if he'll have to recite every play by memory once it's over. He nurses one beer the entire night, and only leaves in two minute increments to stretch his legs. This guy is serious about the game, and has the amazing capability of tuning out all of the real-life absurdity around him. You go, silent guy!
Images: Triple Tri; Giphy (10)
