I need someone to hold me. I am a full-grown adult woman sitting in a well-lit room in the middle of the day and I need someone to hold me. Typically, I would only be found in a state like this after looking at pictures of Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone being adorable together (I need them both in my life and it's a problem), but today it is for a much darker and nefarious reason, one that leads me to issue this warning of extreme caution: Do not watch this twisted '90s commercial parody unless you too want your childhood shredded into a hundred thousand bite-sized bits.
Some of you brave folks out there might already be familiar with the mind-trip that is "Too Many Cooks," which segues from nostalgia to surreal violence and fourth wall-breaking moments, all in just a few minutes. If you made it through that, then maybe, just maybe, you are ready for what's coming with this '90s commercial for the fictional product "Liquid Slam".
It features, as most '90s commercials did, a suburban mom with three cute kids in a cookie cutter neighborhood. Because this was back in the day when physical fitness was all the rage, they fuel up on LIQUID SLAM!!! before going out to the park, where there is (naturally) a famous football player ready to go head-to-head with children.
I won't tell you what happens next. You need to experience for yourself. Also if I try to talk about it, I'll probably cry. (But it's still pretty awesome in a way '90s kids will love.)