It’s heeeeeeeere! The first trailer for the Poltergeist remake has stepped into the staticky wild. Admittedly, I find most horror movie trailers to be terrifying (I’m a wuss), but Poltergeist 2k15 looks effin' scary. I jumped at least twice while watching the preview of the reboot of the iconic '80s horror film. Moreover, the Gil Kenan-directed movie looks really promising. I'm on board! (Honestly, the movie had me in its ghoulish hand when Sam Rockwell was named the lead. I mean, come on. Who doesn't love Sam Rockwell?)
Perhaps you are apprehensive to watch the first trailer for the Poltergeist remake because you're afraid it will cut to a slab of maggot-infested meat (warning: that link will take you to a NARSTY clip from the original Poltergeist) or a man ripping apart his own face, and you know you can't handle either scene in the middle of your work day. Worry not, for there no maggot meat or face meat to be had in this trailer.
I picked out the 11 moments that creeped me out the most. And then, I ranked the moments. Number 11 is pretty creepy, number 1 is NO NO NO OMG THIS IS THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES. OK, now that that's established, let's go into the light.
#11: When that keyboard/Simon game hybrid lights up and make some spooky warbled noises
If it were any other house, we could be like, "Meh, it's just like that time my Furby started burping by itself due to a glitch." But this house was built atop a graveyard. IT IS NOT A BURPING FURBY SITCH.
#10: When the little girl taks to the closet
If it were any other house, we could be like, "Meh, it's just an imaginary friend." But this house was built atop a graveyard. IT IS NOT AN IMAGINARY FRIEND SITCH.
#9: When a hand appears inside the TV
If it were any other house, we could be like, "Meh, someone could've replaced the TV with a giant Pin Art toy." But this house was built atop a graveyard. IT IS NOT A PIN ART TOY SITCH.
#8: When so many hands appear inside the TV
If it were any other house, we could be like, "Meh, maybe someone replaced the TV with a modern art installation." But this house was built atop a graveyard. IT IS NOT A MODERN ART INSTALLATION SITCH.
#7: When these spooky lights/eyes appear
If it were any other house, we could be like, "Meh, maybe a bunch of fireflies flew into the living room." But this house was built atop a graveyard. IT IS NOT A FIREFLY SITCH.
...OK. I'm done with that bit now. Thanks for your patience. Let's proceed.
#6: When the wall eats a human arm
Imagine, if you would be so kind, Jonathan Scott from Property Brothers renovating this house. "I have some bad news," he'd tell the new homeowners. "It's something we found in the walls."
"Termites?" the homeowners would ask in unison.
"A rat colony?"
"I don't know how to tell you this, but your walls eat humans. One of the guys on my crew lost a finger while attempting to install a new support beam."
"What does this mean for our budget?"
"Well, the wall said if you sacrificed an entire human, it'd leave you alone for the rest of your time living here."
"OK. We'll have to think about it."
#5: When a clown lurches at a kid
Clowns are never not terrifying. They're a horror movie staple for a reason.
#4: When a kid gets dragged up a flight of stairs by an invisible force
#3: When whatever is happening here happens
#2: This URL
BUT WHO DIEDINHOUSE?!?!?!?!
#1: When the iPhone goes wonky
Poltergeist is slated to creep into theaters July 24, 2015.
Images: 20th Century Fox (12)