You might not think that I have a lot of authority on the matter of going out at night on account of the fact that I haven't technically "gone out" since 2014, but it's for a legitimate reason: I've been in rehearsals for a show every day for the past month. I tell you this so that you understand that every single freaking night, I bundle myself into all the warm clothes I can fit on my body and move my ass to literally another state. (OK, it's only forty minutes from where I live in Northern Virginia to where I rehearse in Maryland, but still.) If I can do that being as pathetic and unmotivated about nighttime as I usually am, then you can go out tonight and have some fun, damnit! Yes, going out takes effort and energy and, far too often, the putting on of pants. But let's just move past that predicament for a moment.
You have to do this. You have to go out tonight. It's not just for yourself, either. It's for the people like me, who can't even remember what beer and friendship taste like anymore. We need you to be our champions, to keep our memory alive and let us live vicariously through your Instagram photos and early-morning, drunken selfies that will inevitably be deleted by the late-afternoon. Yes, it is likely that you live in a city that is basically an ice-topia, and yes, you will have to summon the kind of cold weather courage that most people can only dream of, but I believe in you. I believe in you. So go out there and seize the night, for that and all these other extremely valid reasons:
You bought all those nice winter clothes for a reason
Fact: purchasing winter clothes is 900% more fun than actually wearing them. But that big, floofy Lenny Kravitz-inspired cape scarf that you bought is getting awfully lonely in the back of your closet and deserves a little love. Honestly, it's just money down the drain if you don't put that stuff on and turn the night into your own personal catwalk.
You have a built-in excuse to drink your heart out
Keeping your organs warm against this cold with alcohol is just the responsible choice to make at this point.
You can swap #Snowmaggedon disappointment stories
Hey, remember that time we all beat down the doors to Trader Joe's and bought six months worth of toilet paper and picked out a cute outfit for the End Of Days and then...nothing happened? Well, not nothing, but certainly not the shenanigans we were expecting. There is no better time to commiserate over your disappointment than over drinks with friends.
You can compete over who can complain about the cold more
Bitching about cold weather is like its own event in the Friendship Olympics and I have more gold medals than I can count.
There’s a shorter wait at all your favorite bars
With the cowards and quitters back at home, you'll glide right into all the ordinarily packed places with the swagger of George and Amal Clooney on hot people date night.
This might be the last time your hair makes sense
The humidity. It is coming.
Netflix will taste that much sweeter when you get home
By far, the absolute roughest part of leaving the house is tearing yourself away from your Netflix queue. I get it. But a wise person once said something about how light would mean nothing without darkness, and similarly, Netflix time means nothing without not-Netflix time. Walk away from it for a few hours and the sweet reunion will make all the pain of leaving your house worth it.
It’s dark enough outside that nobody will know if you accidentally dress like an idiot
Cursed was the day I bought a pair of navy tights and mixed them in with my black ones. It's like a fashion grenade: I'm never prepared when I walk out in an all-black outfit and then realize in the harsh light of day that I'm actually wearing glaringly navy tights. (I AM A NEWB. THESE ARE NOT THE KINDS OF FASHION RISKS I AM EQUIPPED TO TAKE.) But I have no fear of this or any other potential wardrobe error in winter, simply because it's so dark that nobody can see jack shiz.
Most places are featuring a lot of cheese on their menus
And let's be real, that's most of the reason anyone leaves the house anyway.
You can post pics and let other humans know you’re still alive
And they will probably make a bigger deal out of hearing from you again than we all did when Ryan Gosling returned to Twitter (bless).
You can spend literally all day inside tomorrow
Odds are you'll be going out on a Friday or a Saturday night, which means the next day can be a 24-hour date with you, a jar of Nutella, and every pillow you own within arm's reach. And you'll feel like you've really earned it!
If you don’t go out now, you’re going to literally forget how
Our memories of summer and autumn fun times are already getting hazy as it is. Which foot does this boot go into? How to hold martini glass? What is dance?!
Don't let this be you. Go out now before you forget to have fun.
Think of all the money you’ll save on blush!!
I know you lie awake at night sweating over your blush budget, but NEVER FEAR. The cold will do all the work for you and you can spend that money on more booze.
The cold is actually good for you
I know, buzzkill, right? But actually the cold can be good for blood flow and blasting brown fat, the kind that's usually the hardest to nudge off. So there's at least one small silver lining.
Nobody will make any more damn Frozen jokes
It's easy to make jokes from the comfort of your computer screen but nobody will dare utter a line from "Let It Go" when you're actually living it.
It’s been a long week and you deserve this
YOU ARE A CHAMPION. Now go forth and claim the fun times you DESERVE.