If Westeros Had Tabloids...

Time to get excited, because our Westerosi best friends are returning to television for another year of fights, sexy time, and copious wine-drinking. Game of Thrones Season 5 premieres on April 12, and I couldn't be more enthused. If Westeros had tabloids, I'm sure that the gossip journalists would be working overtime right now because this season looks like it's gonna be old-school bananas.

If you haven’t caught the Season 5 preview, you should DEFINITELY watch it as soon as possible, because it's jam-packed with juicy nuggets of suggestive intrigue. From the looks of it, Sansa and Littlefinger have DTR-ed and are now a full-blown couple. I’m making this judgment based on the fact that Sansa appears in a super-revealing outfit for a man with short, dark hair.

In other scandal news, Cersei and Jaime exchange some VERY pregnant and very ominous glances that CAN’T mean good things. Tyrion and Varys are happily a-plotting their mission to take King’s Landing that may finally bring Daenerys into the fold. If the Seven Kingdoms had their own celebrity gossip media, the tabloids would have a field day with all of the drama that is liable to go down in this season.

Speaking of, the Seven Kingdoms should have some gossip rags! After all, who’s gonna keep the peons of Flea Bottom abreast of all the bonkers happenings happening over the Iron Throne, if not Raven Weekly? Or how about Sparrow Magazine, after one of Varys' many info sources. If Westeros had tabloids, I would imagine they’d look something like the following...

Raven Weekly

Cersei & Jaime Incest Alert: I would imagine that Cersei would be a regular fixture on the King's Landing rags, and that her affair with her brother Jaime would sell a lot of magazines. Hence, it's a guaranteed cover story pretty much all the time. Also, it seems like this may be the season where their forbidden love goes too far. Sounds like tabloid gold to me!

The White-Walker Diet: I mean, how do the men beyond the wall stay so thin in that perpetual winter? A super-high metabolism? Eating nothing and/or babies? Maybe it's just the fact that they're undead.

Cradle Robber: As it was hinted at in the preview, Sansa & Littlefinger (Sansafinger?) seem to be full-bore co-conspirator/lovers. The rags wouldn't miss an opportunity to turn this May/December maybe romance into a wildly sensational story about a torrid affair.

King Tommen: Clueless! The headline says it all. Tommen is the king, and he has no clue what he's doing. Margaery Tyrell will totes help him out though.

Sparrow Magazine

Half Man On The Lam: I mean, a prince doesn't just kill his dad on the toilet, flee the Capital, and walk away without the tabloids milking the situation for all it's worth. The gory details of Tyrion's last stand with Twyin are too perfect for a monstrously insensitive gossip media cover story: rich people family drama, murder, and a generous helping of scatological humor.

Jon Snow Strips Down: There is nothing that hints at Jon Snow disrobing next season, but a good story about shirtless Jon Snow is probably very marketable to all the tabloid-reading, wine-drinking housewives (looking at you, Cersei).

Where's The Targaryen Girl: No, really though. We've been waiting four seasons for her to take back The Seven Kingdoms, but it feels like she'll never actually get there. They hint at her finally arriving in the Season 5 trailer, but I'm not convinced that she's isn't gonna spend another season dawdling around in cool dresses.

Podrick Payne's Sex List: Revealed! Let's just be real about this. The tabloids love stories about penises. Given the Casanova reputation of Tyrion's former page, his sex-capades are story-worthy all day, everyday.

Images: HBO (12); Getty Images