The premiere of season five of Game of Thrones may only be a few months away, but let me tell you — these next few months are very crucial for fans. In the minutes, hours, and days between now and Apr. 8 at 10:00 p.m., there will be hundreds of opportunities to be exposed to spoilers, and you need to protect yourself vigilantly against every one. Unless, y'know, you're one of those people who intentionally ruins things for themselves, in which case who are you, I don't even recognize you anymore.
One other category of people who might not be too concerned about spoilers is those who've read the books, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have to inform you right now that I'm member of that group. I know. I'm sorry I betrayed you, show-watchers. But don't worry, you're still in good hands with me, because not only do I promise not to spoil any plot points for you from the books, but I'll actually share my foolproof system with you for avoiding all spoilers internet-wide.
It's tough, but it works, so just follow these instructions to the letter, and you should be okay for at least the next two months.
Don't Go To Work
Ideally you're employed somewhere that lets you work remotely, but if not, quit. The hazards of some plot point slipping out during 'water-cooler talk' are too great to balance out the benefits of a biweekly paycheck.
Honestly, it's great you quit your job, thank you for taking my advice on that, but it's still not enough. Imagine overhearing a fan theory while trapped on public transportation! It'd be all the worse because you did it to yourself. Safer to just stay inside your house. Netflix live-streaming is your god now.
Stay Off The Internet
Hope you have the kind of live-streaming that doesn't need the internet, because I just remembered about Reddit, and now no browser is safe. Those geniuses come up with spoilers that even George R.R. Martin himself hasn't written up yet, so I don't want you anywhere near them. What's that you say? Your iPhone? Yeah, I guess you can still use that to get online.
Break Your Phone
Yo, you really shouldn't have told me that you had a phone.
Speak Only To Loved Ones
They're the only ones you can trust.
Banish All Game Of Thrones-Related Words And Phrases From Your Vocabulary
This list includes but is not limited to: game, thrones, warg, stark, maester, master, mister, sister, joust, snow, heart, tree, heart tree, wight, white, right, rite, wright, amirite, any and all words in Dothraki, iron price, septa, Jaqen H'ghar, wildlings, first of his name, etc.
Ultimately Stop Speaking To Loved Ones Because No One Can Be Trusted
Have the Lannisters taught you nothing??
Honestly Just Stop Opening Your Eyes
I also recommend noise-canceling headphones, assuming you can afford them on unemployment. Hate to be the one to tell you this, but there are probably a lot of vermin in your walls right now, and there's no telling what secrets they've picked up and are tapping out in Morse code with their tiny feet at this very moment.
Bury Yourself In The Ground
Are you one of those weirdos who has your burial plot all picked out already? Awesome. Time to put it to good use. I know it's extreme, but it's the only way I have to protect you.
If you followed instructions, you've stopped reading by now because your laptop is in flames, your internet connection has been cut, and you're literally buried alive in the dirt, so good luck with the rest of your journey! I'll see you in April.
Images: Helen Sloan/HBO; giphy (9)