12 Struggles Of Having Spring Break In The Cold

I've seen a lot of movies where the protagonists whisk themselves away for extravagant Spring Break trips to exotic, warm places where people drink fruit out of other fruits, and make out with greased up strangers. I have to assume that these movies take place within some reality where people magically have money popping up into their bank accounts as if placed there by a magical Spring Break fairy, because otherwise I have very little explanation for how a bunch of 21-year-olds pull that kind of vacation off. The more common reality: College kids are broke. Like, waaaay broke. What little money we manage to put away in college gets immediately squandered on watery beer and the sale section of Forever 21. Even if our parents are loaded, chances are that between paying for our tuition and giving us money to live, they aren't super excited about throwing down extra piles of Benjamins so we can go procure gonorrhea in Panama City. So this warm Spring Break vacation trope is yet another Hollywood lie. In real life, you're probably going to end up spending the week either hanging around campus or back at home, either of which can potentially make for one extremely cold Spring Break if you happen to live in an area stricken by this winter's icepocalypse.

The cold, of course, will do nothing to impede the general laziness that is a prerequisite for having a successful school break, but it will get in the way of plenty of other things (including and not limited to your sanity). There's a slight chance that the sun will actually start doing its damn job by the time break rolls around, but in the much more likely event that it doesn't, these are the struggles you will endure during this Spring Break:

You will be unreasonably upset when you pass bikini sales at the mall

Who do those models think they are, enjoying their two-dimensional sunlight? Also why are there bikinis on sale at the North Pole which is evidently where I live now?

You have zero motivation to be healthy

People in the tropics are eating foods with antioxidants like kale (or whatever dumb, non-cheese food has antioxidants, and also, can someone tell me what antioxidants actually are?) and you're at home, having a one-sided conversation with a Domino's pizza about how unfair your life is.

Seeing your friends will be like George Washington crossing the Delaware

So close... and yet... never close enough. Even just hearing the wind howl through the window is enough to tell you that moving would be a terrible idea and everyone should just stay home. See you in a few months, friends.

You will never get quite drunk enough to forget that it's freezing outside

Even if you do go out, this so-called "alcohol blanket" is in full-on amateur hour compared to the ice age of a cold Spring Break.

Your one friend who did go on vacation will post all over social media about it

Ex-friend. I meant to say EX-FRIEND.

Your half-hour hot shower is the closest to the beach you will get

Peak levels of pathetic: closing your eyes in a shower and pretending you are in Cancun as you scrub the dandruff out of your hair.

You will come to terms with just how empty your bank account is

"Why didn't I take off for the Bahamas again? Oh, right. I have zero moneys." *Driiiiink*

Everyone in your hometown will be totally used to it

Those smug neighbors walking their dogs and collecting the paper, all casual-like, while it's practically hailing outside are the worst. You know that if you dare to start whining about the weather, someone will say something insufferable like, "Well, you should have been here LAST week, when it was REALLY cold." I'M HERE THIS WEEK AND IT STILL SUCKS, THIS ISN'T A COMPETITION, CAN'T WE JUST BE IN THIS TOGETHER?

Even snow starts to seem pointless

If snow falls in the middle of the forest and there is no school day to cancel, does it still make a sound? Or wait, also, if snow falls in the middle of A FROZEN HELLSCAPE THAT IS ALREADY BURIED UNDER MANY FEET OF SNOW, does it even matter anymore?!

You lose all sense of time and space

Cold + darkness = sleeping all the time. Good luck getting on a regular schedule when school starts back up again, Sleeping Beauty.

You will stare your mortality in the face as you realize this might be one of your last Spring Breaks ever

And you're spending it here in Arendelle when you could be on a Jamaican brochure wearing a pair of sunglasses that obscure how truly hungover you are.

There is a large chance that you will be returning to a campus just as cold as this

There is no escape. Winter isn't coming—it already came, and now it will never leave.

Image: javmorca/Flickr, Giphy (7)