I have terrible news, everyone: The winter is almost over. The ground is starting to thaw, and the sound of happy children is filling the air. Before you know it, you'll be stooping to the worst of the worst, like drinking your coffee iced and walking in shoes that don't have a thick waterproof rubber heel. At some point soon, you might actually see the telltale green of something trying to spout out of the ground. I know you were getting really attached the ice, snow, darkness, and daily game of "Will My Fingers Actually Freeze And Fall Off If This Bus Doesn't Come?", but it's time to let that sweet time go. It's a freaking nightmare out there, guys. The glory of this beautifully endless ice age is almost over for good. I know you're all as depressed about the return of warm weather and sunshine and smiles as much as I am. I know. It's okay. We can do this. We can survive all the beautiful, glowing, liberating warmth, if we really try.
It may be tempting to cope with this kind of stress by submitting to the madness of the approaching spring. It's a shame, really. I've seen it happen so many times over the years: the weather gets warm, people get "inspired," and then all of a sudden their donning running shoes and zipping around town with other runners on a semi-regular basis, posting about it on social media like they're actually enjoying it. Thank God you landed here before they got to you, because I am here to tell you a stone cold truth: It isn't worth it. Please let me save you from yourself. If you ever feel tempted to join the cult of people calling themselves "runners," then please, heed all of my very true warnings in mind:
You'll have to start eating more, which is exhausting
You burn more than eight calories a minute even when you're just running at a comfortable pace, and that adds up fast. Can you even imagine how much overcompensating you'll have to do at brunch when you're at a 300 calorie deficit every other day? Crispy french toast and scrambled eggs are theeeee wooorrrrrrst.
You will have to endure the excruciating agony of making new friends
I'm going to level with you right now: if you take up running, you will meet people with an enthusiasm for common interests you share, and they will support and encourage you to achieve your fitness goals, and you will basically resent the day your parents conceived you. Nobody has time to deal with that friendship nonsense! Don't let it happen to you!
Your body will have the nerve to sleep more soundly at night
Regular aerobic exercise is so out of control it might even help cure your insomnia. You need all those hours of scrolling on Tumblr cry-laughing because your brain won't let you get to sleep. It's your huge under eye circles and bitter hatred for morning people that makes you unique.
You'll probably be having a lot more of that dumb sex thing
Just when it seemed like it couldn't get any worse, apparently couples who run together have more sex. That's right. They're physically removing all of their clothes, rubbing their naked bodies together and making boring love to each other on a consistent basis. And to think how easily you might have dragged a poor, unsuspecting significant other into this mess with you.
Your brain will be able to remember so much more useless information
Once all that running improves your working memory, language, and ability to solve judgment problems, people will CONSTANTLY be barraging you for advice. It's not fair for you to have to endure the impossible responsibility of those extra IQ points. Just walk away. (WALK. Don't run. Are you listening to me?!)
Your complexion will be irritatingly smooth
You have enough admirers already, the last thing you need is for all the running to tighten the collagen in your skin and clear up your acne problems. And the worst part: It'll even make your skin age slower, so you'll be diverting people's compliments for pretty much until the day you die.
You'll be way too happy for your own damn good
Your endorphins will basically let loose on your brain like college kids on Spring Break. It is not only reckless and irresponsible, but you'll probably be smiling so much that people won't even recognize you. You'll get fired from your job for not showing up because they all assumed the happy person at your desk was your replacement. Adorable babies might smile back at you on the street. If it gets really bad, you might even burst into song in public. DO YOU SEE THE DANGER YET?!
You might even accidentally get high
"Runner's highs" are real, guys. They're a REAL THING. Now I know that they're perfectly "safe" and "natural" and all that jazz, but that doesn't mean that doesn't mean it's OK for you to go whizzing around your town like a superhero without a license. You know what your body pumps when you're running? Endocannabinoids. Is that even legal?! (Yes. It is. But still.)
It could happen to you at literally any moment of the day
I don't want to scare you, but if I'm going to get my point across I feel that I must: there is nowhere in the world you can't run. It's upsettingly easy. All you need is a pair of shoes and some clothes and the whole damn world basically becomes a running track. You could just be walking down the street, minding your own damn business, and have a spontaneous and terrifying thought: "Huh, maybe I'll go running today." And then you will. You'll basically become a slave to the great outdoors, and there's no saving you now.
You'll have no idea what to do with all that extra cash
Another huge consequence of running whenever and wherever the hell you want? Suddenly you're not paying for classes or crazy equipment, and if you live somewhere nice enough, you might even stop paying for the gym altogether. Suddenly your wallet will be so heavy with extra cash that you won't even know what to do with yourself. Why would you invite this kind of burden into your life?
You'll end up complaining a lot less
Is there anything in this world more satisfying than talking your loved ones' ears off with a nice, long complaining rant at the end of the day? NO. OF COURSE NOT. Except running thinks it's so great that it will ease the joint pain that ails you and even make your stressful situations seem more manageable, and suddenly you'll just lose the desire to complain anymore, even though that is what you do best. What a buzzkill.
You might feel the urge to break up with coffee
Coffee has been there through everything: your college exams, your mid-work week drunk fest, that time you were determined to marathon all of Breaking Bad in a week. It would never turn its back on you. Never. But once you're all jacked up on the natural energy boost of running, you might forget your loyalties, and turn away from the one thing that deserves it least. Your caffeine intake might go from three cups a day to just one. I don't think any of us are ready for the emotional consequences of doing this to the coffee who loves us so well.
You'll see all the cool, hidden parts of your town, and who wants that?
A funny thing happens when you start to run: You wander off the path, and start heading in directions you've never been before. Soon enough, you'll be passing hole-in-the-wall shops and hidden away parks and feeling a deeper sense of appreciation for the area you live in, and really, it's going to be too much for you to handle. Gross. No. Ignorance is bliss, y'all.
There are WAY too many wild animals beyond your front door
One second, you're just minding your own business on a running trail, and then the next, you see a majestic deer, or an adorable puppy, or a lively bluebird. What is this, a freaking Disney movie?! You're better off staying in the comfort of your own home, before they start doing your chores or sewing you a new running bra or something.
You might discover new music against your will
There is only so much room in your head devoted to learning song lyrics, and once you start running to upbeat, catchy songs to match your pace, all of a sudden, you're expected to make room for more. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON SHEPPARD'S "GERONIMO". It's not fair.
Oh, and the worst part is that you'll have to put up with all of this FOREVER
Because thanks to running, you're gonna live a RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME. Rude, running. Rude.
Images: Fotolia; Giphy (10)