A single mystery has gnawed at me for the past seven days: Who is Jax's new tattoo of? Fortunately for me, impatient toad that I am, the mystery was solved near the beginning of the second half of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. Tom Schwartz asked Jax why he would tattoo Stassi’s mug on his arm, and after Tom Schwartz made this inquiry, Stassi looked like she saw the ghost of relationships past float into SUR, chains a-rattling. I paused the episode, took my laptop out to my car, plopped down in the driver's seat, fastened my seatbelt, and resumed the show. I knew I needed to buckle up for whatever was about to happen next.
Before Stassi and I could pass out in our seats, Jax assured the room he did not ink his estranged ex-girlfriend’s face on his skin. As if Ariana could hear me yelling “WELL, WHO IS IT THEN?” at the screen, she asked, “Is it a specific face, or just your ideal face?”
“Yeah, it looks like her. It’s actually a hybrid of Carmen and Stassi," Jax joked.
AUGHHHHH STOP MESSING WITH ME, JAX. I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR JESTS AT A TIME LIKE THIS. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'RE KIDDING AROUND.
Andy Cohen asked why Jax added a permanent rendering of on-again, off-again girlfriend Carmen’s face to his body. “It’s not…” Jax trailed off. “It’s really pretty.”
So, it is Carmen? OK, then. There's our answer, I guess. I really never can tell with him.
The room reacted to his tattoo. Jax reacted to their reactions. “I could really give two sh*ts what anyone thinks about what I do to my body,” Jax said. As he implored everyone to worry more about their own lives and stop caring about his tattoos, he removed his shirt and showed off the piece of art. And that was the end of that.
You know, you have a legitimate point, Jax. Your body, your rules. I really should spend less energy on your ink game. I have my own stuff to focus on. For starters, I am in desperate need of a haircut. I will book that now. Hey, look at me! I'm making progress!
(Just kidding. I never booked the appointment. Too busy staring at Jax's tat. I can't believe that HE GOT YET ANOTHER LADYFRIEND TAT. Actually, no. I can. He is a living legend. May he never change.)
Image: Nicole Wilder/Bravo