Whether she’s expressing her disdain for a garment from Ann Taylor or calling someone a “shameless strumpet,” Southern Charm star Patricia Altschul's words cut like a freshly sharpened Henckles chef knife. The acerbic and hilarious reality television personality has mastered the art of effortlessly-knocking-a-person-off-of-his-high-horse-without-breaking-eye contact-with-her-cocktail. I take notes every week. (What? I want to learn from the best.) Do you know who I am reminded of when I hear one of Patricia's no-holds-barred digs? Yzma, the antagonist of Disney animated movie The Emperor’s New Groove, aka one of the greatest Disney characters of all time.
Granted, Yzma and Patricia are incredibly different: one is a real human, the other is an animated fictional character; one is a glamorous socialite, the other is a mess who wears a pound of eyeshadow on each lid; one is a woman who jokes about her son's "stabbin' cabin" and rolls her eyes at the rest of the cast's sexploits, the other is a diabolical woman who schemes to murder a king and usurp the throne.
As dissimilar as the two are, they do have something in common: they are freakin' funny. The stuff they utter is MAGICAL.
...Weirdly enough, the things Patricia says sound like things Yzma would say, and vice versa. Don't believe me? Take a look at the following and see if you can determine who said which lines:
Quote #1: "Are you talking to that squirrel?"
No, Pat didn't catch son Whitney Sudler-Smith speaking with a rodent. This is a Yzma original.
Quote #2: “You have to have the right mallet.”
Though she does consider smashing Kuzco the flea with a hammer, this is not a Yzma quote. This line is from Patricia's martini tutorial.
Quote #3: “I’m kind of underwhelmed by the idea of you doing a restaurant, anyway. It’s kind of pedestrian and banal”
Her righthand man, Kronk, has a passion for the culinary arts, so Yzma is a good guess. However, it is not the correct answer. This is a Patricia original.
Quote #4: "I know. It's called a 'cruel irony,' like my dependence on you."
This totally sounds like one of Patricia's zingers, but it's actually a Yzma zinger.
Quote #5: "Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this."
No, "poison" is not code for booze-a-hol. It's Yzma's plot to get rid of Kuzco once and for all
Quote #6: "It’s time for my medicine, please."
This one belongs to Patricia. And by "medicine," Pat means "glass of expensive alcohol," of course.
Quote #7: “One cannot drink cheap wine in the heat.”
Patricia, obviously. If it's about booze, there's a 99.9% chance the quote was uttered by Patricia. Also, Yzma strikes me as the type who might enjoy throwing back a glass of Franzia or two at a sunny barbecue. She likes to live on the edge.
Quote #8: "Our moment of triumph approaches! HAHAHAHAHA! It's dinner time!"
While I wish this is how Patricia summoned her guests to the formal dining room, it is not. This is a Yzma line.
Quote #9: "What a dump."
Quote #10: "Feel the power!"
This definitely seems like something Patricia would say after Whitney took a sip of bourbon, but it's actually what Yzma says when she concocts the literal poison with which she intends to kill Kuzco.
Quote #11: "And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs!"
Yep, this is Yzma. Poor Kronk. Poor, poor Kronk.
Quote #12: "Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It's like I'm talking to a monkey."
Another one for Yzma.
...Wait. How is this NOT a Patricia quote?!? This sounds like a Patricia quote.
Quote #13: “I can feel [the music] in my teeth all the way in my room. It’s so LOUD.”
This is Patricia, but I'll be darned if I don't love imagining Yzma pulling at her own face as she says this.
Quote #14: “I love the idea of being prepared, so [name redacted] knows to bring my martini fixings with him."
Patricia, duh. "Martini fixings" was a dead giveaway.
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