6 Things People Who Hate Roller Coasters Are Tired Of Hearing

I'm not ashamed to admit it: I hate roller coasters. I've never been on one, but I hate them, and I will never ride one as long as I live. (Actually I don't know, maybe I will. Maybe in order to save the world from impending doom Thor will have become incapacitated and he'll reach up to me and hold my face and say, "Katherine, at the end of that roller coaster is the key to saving the world. I will always love you. You are beautiful and smart and powerful and also very much like Buffy the Vampire Slayer," before he dies dramatically and I scream, "Nooooooo!" to the heavens before jumping on the roller coaster to save the world. THEN I will ride one. But only then.)

As far as I'm concerned, roller coasters are stupid and dangerous. Why in heaven's name would I want to pay to be scared for my life? It's probably the same gene that makes me disinterested in horror movies: I don't want to go out of my way to do something that just seems like it would make me feel terrified? Or nauseous? Or any of the awful feelings that people report after going on a roller coaster? I'm perfectly content with two feet on the ground, and it's not like I'm trying to stop anyone else from going on a roller coaster. And yet, whenever I politely decline to roll and coast, I face a deluge of admonishments, like the following:

1. "You don't know until you try!"

Look, I don't need to eat shit to know that I don't like the taste. Likewise, I don't need to put my body in a tube that will shoot me around at breakneck speed in sharp undulations to know that doesn't appeal to me. Ignorance is bliss, people. I don't need to ride a roller coaster to know I'm going to hate it, considering it has elements of everything I hate: being out of control, going too fast, being scared, dipping down suddenly and quickly, the chance of vomiting or having someone else vomit on me. "Try everything once" only applies within reason. I'm under no obligation to try something that seems like it might make me have a panic attack or ruin the rest of my day.

2. "You're just scared!"

Yes, I'm terrified. What's your point? Why do people always say that like bodily fear isn't a perfectly valid reason not to do something?

3. "So what DO you like?"

Lots of things! I like reading and walking and riding a bike and yes, I've been white water rafting and yes, I've ridden a motorcycle and no, neither of them was "practically the same." Just because roller coasters don't appeal to me it doesn't mean I'm some boring fun-hating hermit who's never done anything interesting in her life.

4. "What did you even do when you were a kid?"

Let me direct you to the above: lots of things! I wasn't robbed of my childhood because I didn't go on roller coasters. Since when are "theme parks" and "rides" the ultimate delineators of a rich, fulfilling childhood? I caught tadpoles in a pond and drew pictures for my makeshift art gallery and wrote stories and collected cuttlefish on the beach to feed to my grandma's budgies. My childhood was pretty rad thanks, even though I never rode a roller coaster. (Side note: I once got on a ride called "The Spider" which is another spinning, fast thing, and I couldn't go through with it so they had to stop the ride to get me off. I wasn't even embarrassed.)

5. "Have you ever been on any ride?"

Sigh. Yes, I've been on rides. I've been on dodge-em cars and carousels and the Indiana Jones ride at Disney Land and a ghost house (which I hated; I hate ghost houses too). Just because I don't like ONE thing it doesn't mean I hate EVERYTHING. I am able to discriminate in my hatred.

6. "That's so weird!"

Really? What is it that YOU don't like? Because maybe I think THAT'S weird. I just don't understand why roller coasters are considered so "everyday" like the most normal thing in the world to do, and anything else is somehow abnormal. What's that about?

Images: Columbia Records; Giphy (6)