What Your Favorite Spice Girl Says About You

by Mary Grace Garis

There are two types of women: those who played Spice Girls with their friends during recess, and those who are liars. Even if you weren't emotionally and financially involved with the pop sensation, there was always someone badgering you into embodying those roles on the playground. And in light of recent Spice Girls reunion rumors, I think it's time to examine how your chosen Spice Girl influenced how you turned out today.

I, for example, was always Baby Spice, which I'm sure may be shocking to some — Posh's tiny black dresses and utter joylessness is more in line with my current persona. However, I was a much more upbeat person at age 6, and realized early on that a doe-eyed cuteness could get me anything. So although my day-to-day mood makes Victoria Beckham seem ecstatic, I know that I can get more if I project Baby's bubbliness at social gatherings. There were layers at work here, people.

So, '90s kids, I'm going to use my own experiences to guess what the Spice Girl you were then says about the Spice Woman you are now. Of course, I don't know your life, so as always take this with a grain of salt. Or cinnamon. Whichever.

Sporty Spice

Then: You weren't the most overtly girly of your group of friends, and kind of took a lackadaisical approach to the whole Spice Girls phenomenon in general. So when Jessica M. was like, "You can be Sporty, because you wear so many ponytails!" you were like, "Yeah, sure, whatever, girl power." OR you got stuck into that role because you play soccer, even though Ashley B. ALSO played soccer and she got to be Baby. Ugh.

Now: You have little to no sense of fashion, and are okay with that. You choose beer over cocktails, and kickboxing over yoga. But more than anything, you're doubtfully reading this article, because you're still really lackadaisical about the whole Spice Girls phenomenon.

Baby Spice

Then: You were blonde, or had aspirations of blondeness. You owned many bobble hair ties and sparkly jelly sandals. You were generally an adorable child, and played up your persuasion skills with those pigtails and lollipops. If you ended up the Baby of your group, my guess is you had to be a bit of an evil genius, because getting to be Baby means that you won.

Now: You have a bed full of stuffed animals, mostly unicorns. You maintain A+ bangs that make you look 16-years-old, even though you're in your mid-twenties. When you were in college, you were more attracted to your professors than your fellow students. Before turning 21 you never got carded, and after turning 21 you ALWAYS get carded, both by virtue of looking cute and tiny.

Scary Spice

Then: You were the loudest on the playground and wore a lot of animal print. Alternately, you were the one woman of color in your group of friends, and Jessica M. thought that was enough to make you and Scary twins, even though you really wanted to be Ginger. Sigh.

Now: You're utterly unapologetic about everything, whether it's wearing purple lipstick, or sharing your opinion. Which you do a lot, posting article after article about what's going on in the world, and why we should be angry about it. Nobody tells you what to do anymore. YOU HEAR THAT, JESSICA M.?

Posh Spice

Then: You were the most sophisticated one in the bunch, i.e. the first person to get some Old Navy zip pocket flares and a training bra. You suffered from early on-set resting bitch face.

Now: You have a subscription to Vogue, but never get around to reading it because it's just so weighty. You're a street style icon who wears ridiculously huge designer sunglasses everywhere you go. Everyone thinks you're impossibly cool or a high fashion jerk, there's no middle ground.

Ginger Spice

Then: You were the the de facto leader of the group, even though somehow Ashley B. got to do all the fun stuff. You had an offbeat sense of humor, and a tiny attention span, always thinking about 15 different things at once. Occasionally this meant you were also an actual red head, but not always. Truth be told, I didn't connect Ginger Spice with Ginger kids until like, two years ago.

Now: You went on to possess both great cleavage and great ideas. You listened more about to the Spice Girls' feminist waxings than other fans, and that's why you own IUD earrings and have gotten into several arguments online about slut shaming. You haven't really listened to the Spice Girls in years, moving onto riot-grrrrl garage rock sang by chicks with Kool-aid colored hair.

But Union Jack still makes you sentimental.

Images: Giphy (10)