Prepare for art schools across the country to riot: David Lynch won't be returning for the revival of Twin Peaks, making the Showtime comeback's future a little iffy. And, while I personally wasn't too emotionally involved with the new Twin Peaks to begin with, I am intrigued by the Lynch's freshly open schedule. If Twin Peaks won't have him, then maybe he can can put his talents somewhere else. After all, every TV show could use a Lynchian touch.
As I've been reminded by every strung-out friend in the past 24 hours, Twin Peaks fell apart after Lynch clashed with ABC. This left Lynch utterly disenchanted, and gave the show a second season with a premature reveal of Laura Palmer's killer, an unwanted relationship of Audrey and Billy Zane, and, for some reason, baby Heather Graham.
Truth is, Lynch's style is what made Twin Peaks incredible, his penchant for creating a vibe surreal and strange with a touch of the supernatural and the occasional tendency to make zero percent sense. I love Twin Peaks, with every ounce of my soul, but, if the two are breaking up again... well, maybe it's time for him to become show runner of something else. Or better yet, everything else.
Where should we begin? Here is what eight TV shows would look like if they had a bit more Lynch in them.
David Lynch's New Girl
Jess is a drug-addled prostitute in a polyamorous relationship with three men, who live in the dingiest, scariest apartment in downtown L.A. that's shrouded in an ancient evil energy. She also likes polka dots and glitter.
David Lynch's Mad Men
I'm pretty sure Don Draper is choking a lot of people during intimate scenes, and, every once in a while, we cut to that scene of Betty Draper vomiting in his Cadillac. She may be having an affair with Megan, or she may be the same person as Megan from an alternate universe, or Megan may just be a figment of Betty's imagination. Otherwise, it's basically the same.
David Lynch's The Simpsons
There's a seedy underbelly in the idyllic town of Springfield, one that starts to come to light after the untimely death of cherished resident, Disco Stu. Here in Springfield, the owls are not what they seem.
David Lynch's The Big Bang Theory
Literally static with a vintage recording of Patsy Cline's "Crazy" being played louder and louder over the sound of a baby crying. So.
David Lynch's Community
This neo-noir show stars Abed Nadir, a simple creature, a man whose mind is geared to nothing but pop culture and the close knit members of his study group. Then, his life is disrupted when the members of his group start disappearing with nary an explanation, perhaps disappearing into another dimension that stemmed off a fateful rolling of dice. As he deals with shady characters such as the illusive Star Burns, and the senile Leonard, Abed begins to uncover that his friends may have been kidnapped in a hellish void known only as "The Darkest Timeline."
David Lynch's Modern Family
It's a retro pastiche, about an array of crazy characters whose lives are tangentially interwoven, but as for a plot? Nobody knows what's going on there.
David Lynch's Spongebob Squarepants
Done entirely in black and white, it's nothing but Squidward's unchanging melancholia, day-in, day-out, as he processes the realities of living with the ever-cackling Spongebob. At one point Spongebob drops a Krabby patty. He starts staring at it. We switch back and forth to Squidward's bloodshot eyes, and the Krabby patties, slowly rotting with each change of the scene. Metaphor for Squidward's unfulfilling life, or nah?
David Lynch's Broad City
Illana's doppelgänger returns, hoping to seduce Abbi. Lots of footage of Judith Light running in slow motion intercut with Illana's head rotating as she goes, "YAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS."
Images: Giphy (8)