We Made Drake His Own Board Game, So You, Too, Can Start From The Bottom
Who would guess ten years ago that a scrawny teen soap star from Canada would one day end up swapping spit with one of the Queens of Pop? Yes, rap superstar Drake kissed Madonna at Coachella, which is a prime example of what a long way he's come. He's dodged doubt and defamatory headlines to make it to the top and it's a great success story, one that really should be reproduced into a mass marketed toy. So on that note I give you Drakepacalypse, the one and only Drake-themed board game that I totally just made up.
"Why not Drakeopoly?" you may ask. Short answer: I wasn't sure if there was a copyright on the suffix, "-opoly" Actually, now that I say it out loud, I'm not sure that you can have copyrights on suffixes. You know what I mean. Besides, this is really more about Drake's struggle for world domination than it is about the acquisition of real estate. Like all board games SHOULD be.
True to Drake's life, the game is a battle of you versus the media versus yourself. Each player is competing to move past your demons (and bad headlines) to make it as an established, respected rapper. I know, I know. It's almost too thrilling to bear.
So, will you dare to play the hyper sophisticated Drake board game? Well, you should. After all, you only live once.
The objective is fairly simple: you start from the bottom, and you have to get here. That's it. That's pretty much the object of 90 percent of board games, down to the wheel ripped off from the Game of Life. In this particular game, however, we're specifically tracking a rise to stardom. And perhaps it looks simple because of the conservative amount of squares, but oh no, this journey can be derailed almost instantaneously. But before we get started, you want to pick out your character.
Every board game has pawns that you have to move around to meet your objective, and Drakepacalypse is no exception. Your options are pretty standard: red, yellow, blue, green, and thimble.
Once you and your friends have made your decision, you take turns spinning to see who goes first. Like any game, highest number goes first. Nothing complicated here. And, with a pretty conservative amount of spaces, you might think that you'll be able to get through this game quickly. Maybe.
OR MAYBE NOT AT ALL, because those Trending cards could ruin your entire life. Essentially, Trending Cards mark events and qualities that can make or break your career if brought to the public light. Whenever you pass a Trending space you have to pick one up. So, while you may be smug about spinning a ten, it's very possible that you could pick up two bad Trending cards that'll set you back three space and have you miss a turn. It is your job to make the media your bitch, move past bad publicity, and capitalize on your successes.
There are 30 card to a game, but enjoy a sampling of the Trending subjects.
The Utterly Neutral:
I STILL don't know what to make of Madonna and Drake kissing at Coachella. Did it give Drake GOOD publicity by bolstering his name in the headlines again, or was it more of a mess because he was grossed out... by her lip gloss, allegedly? Truth be told, kissing Madonna doesn't have the same cache that it did 13 years ago.
But hey, maybe you can redeem the situation by acknowledging your tremendous star power. Overall, this can't POSSIBLY be bad for your career, and maybe it'll even get you back together with Rihanna.
And let's not forget the little wins! A well-placed song in a hit TV show can earn you some royalty money and, if Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson are jamming to "Started From the Bottom" on Broad City , you've now attached yourself to a perfect television moment. Yaaaaaaaaas.
The Hard-To-Get-By Truths:
You've poked fun at it before, but, at the end of the day, it's a little soul-crushing that this is how you'll be seen by any angsty teen that tuned into the N in 2005. The quality of Jimmy's plotlines steadily declined after his poignant shooting on the show, so it's no wonder that every time someone on the Internet reminds you of this, it sets you tumbling just a few steps back.
And then there are the things that you can't truly can't run away from. After all, Canada is the same country that gave us Justin Bieber.
Images: Getty/Mary Grace Garis (7)